You’ll Cowards Don’t Even Listen To Bob Macabre
An as-brief-as-possible look at a life dedicated to METAL.
You’ve probably seen that Noisey documentary about “One Man Metal” that presented a look at black metal artists Leviathan, Xasthur, and our dear buddy Striborg. If you haven’t, don’t bother, for the documentary grossly neglected to include the absolute beast that is Bob Macabre (aka Blaspheme Goathorder, aka The Peeler of Clits and Cunts, aka Bob Egler from Pennsylvania). Sure, Leviathan may have dabbled in other genres outside black metal. Bob Macabre has mastered every genre there ever was. Sure, Striborg may be a prolific guy. Bob out-releases the Australian wave music expert in any given week. For you see, when Bobby heard about black metal in 2012, he promptly started Morbid Forest. And Black Armament. And Blasphemous Overlord. And then he remembered he already had three other black metal projects and released stuff as Morbidness, Satanic Impalement, and Perception of Hades. This may seem daunting to you, but that’s because you’re not Bob. Or perhaps because you have some sense of quality control and a vague feeling that some amount of effort should go into making music. Forget all about that. Do as Bob does and treat your musical career as one neverending shitpost.
Oh look, I forgot one of his black metal projects. One of the ones founded in 2012, mind you.
Bela Lugosi’s never been deader. Trying to ease you in with the stuff that at least looks tasteful. Still sounds like ass though.
This is Bob’s grindcore face. He uses the same picture for Brutish Creation. And yes, Chainsaw Dissection is also a project of his. Of course it fucking is. I gotta say though, these actually sound like something I might listen t- oh, no, wait, they’re crap.
So many interesting vocations. Truly a jack of all trades, our Bob. These are all supposed to be death metal, and of course there’s about six more death metal projects that I’ll leave for you to discover. However, none of them can beat…
Another one that’s sadly missing from Bobbo’s extensive BC page. I was at least as curious for this as I was for Cunt Pus Ingurgitator, which apparently has opuses like “Hussein Was Well Hung” and “Crow Eating a Ballsack of a Murdered Fag”. Did I mention that the neverending shitpost is painfully unfunny? If you need more proof, how about:
See, just when I thought he might be using some band name generator, he hits me with sheer brilliance like this. Good job, Bob. We have here “Noise/shitcore with box drums, vacuums and ‘other irritating noises'”, all of it, in case you couldn’t tell, employed in the service of making fun of mentally handicapped people. Good. Job.
“Released on No Effort Records.” You don’t say. As if all songs being untitled wasn’t enough of an indication how much Bob cares. This is Super Mario music mingled with shitty goregrind. Or gorenoise. Or whatever. Again, simply brilliant. Hey, speaking of gorenoise:
What’s that? 260 untitled “songs” for only $45? Awesome! Yes, if you hadn’t noticed so far, Ol’ Bobbuns actually demands money for all this shit. Why, just $25 will get you
You know how Toileteers will sometimes just comment “*fart noises*” when referring to very bad music? This is that. Literally. These are just fart noises over some kind of music. And I think it’s the best thing I’ve heard so far.
What? Is it a knife especially for cutting corpses? A knife made of a corpse? A knife meant to be used by a corpse, with a rigor-mortis-friendly handle or something? I need answers, Bob.
I repeat: What?
English, motherfucker, do you speak it? Again, $25. Sure. Anything for you, Bobberoony.
Of course he has a PhD. Haha, get it? “P.H.D.” I can be funny too, Bob. Please collaborate with me. I’m very interested in the scientific dissemination of the role of women that I assume happens on Displaying Her Decapitated Corpse and Pulverizing Prostitutes for Pig Feed. Not to mention tracks like “Shit Smeared Dead Porn Slut in My Cellar” and “Starving Flies Feeding on Rosie O’Donnell’s Carcass While Watching Porn” by the aforementioned… uhh… I don’t fucking know, one of the above masterpieces. I lost track.
Huh. Didn’t see that one coming. You vex me, Bob. You vex me. Your instrumental heavy metal project may just be the turning point in our affair. Probably not though. Thank you for not trying to sing clean.
This isn’t even half of what this guy has going on, but already far more than I can stomach. Good thing Bobalob decided to censor most of the cover art, otherwise I’d feel even sicker now. It does make for a good… “palate cleanser” though. As in, I feel unusually free to listen to anything in my collection and it’ll be a huge step up. My expectations of music are reset to absolute zero. Try it! Go on ahead and browse those mf Bandcamp and MA pages if you’re feeling burnt out on whatever you normally listen to. Tell us about the gems you find in the comments. Hell, I never even got to enjoy Shotgun Blasted Scrotum Bag and Hooker Skull Bong.
h/t to 365 Days of Horror for unearthing this. Because who would if not him.