Shirt Stains: Rings of BLAAAARGGGHHHHturn


It’s like someone wanted to be the Ipecac-drinking version of Jackson Pollock.

Technical weedily deedily dudes Rings Of Saturn have only been around for about nine years, but have already released four full-length albums. Yes, this band’s entire existence has occurred in between the release of Tool‘s 10,000 Days and whatever they’re going to name their next album. That’s also the same amount of albums as The Faceless have released and it required far fewer member changes. The more you know!

With a name like Rings Of Saturn and dubbing themselves “aliencore” it’s no surprise that the band focuses on themes like outer space, science, and alien invasions. Those expansive and imaginative themes have made their way to the band’s album art which is turn has made their way to their merch. Someone probably should have thrown on the reverse thrusters and put a stop to that because…well, take a look. It’s worth pointing out that all of the items shown below are “MADE TO ORDER” according to Make of that what you will.


BLAAAAAAAARGGGHHHHH! This retina-shattering image comes from the band’s Lugal Ki En album. I could assume that’s the name of our Pepsi Blue-looking overlord. I could, but I won’t. I’m going to name him Taintzore, Destroyer of Undies, Conqueror of Crotches. Worship his stubby T-Rex arms as they weakly reach out to you, begging you to help him from getting sucked into that swirling galaxy. Gaze upon his lip-less face and wonder what kind of dental plan he has. Try not to stare at his lack of a lower body and ask out loud how he goes to the bathroom. ALL HALL TAINTZORE!

The back of the shirt gives our eyes and our souls some relief from Taintzore. Instead we get his giant space station. He probably refers to it with creepy names like “The Shaggin’ Wagon” or “The Snatch Catcher”. You can’t see it, but the other side of the space station has an air-brushed painting of a topless woman holding a flaming sword while riding a winged dragon. He probably parks it outside the local high school all the time. Think I’m lying? Look at these leggings.

Where does Taintzore go? Straight to the Danger Zone, lustily staring at your salty bits. His eyes are centimeters away from your hoo-hah while his nub arms (with fancy painted fingernails, I might add) reach out like with all the grace and self-control of a KFC chicken grease-covered Trump hand. Getta outta here, Taintzore!


BLAAAAAAAARGGGHHHHH! This swamp-scum looking sweatshirt (what’s the deal with bands putting out sweatshirts?) comes from the band’s second album Dingir. I think it’s a biography about home run king and noted giant-head-haver Barry Bonds. I’d like to think this is actually a reaction shot from the above merch. Just a look of abject terror from one space being to another. “Oh no, it’s Taintzore. Hide all the beer and good china. Shit, here he comes. Heeeeeeey, buddy. Nope, no beer here, dude. Ugh, no. No “barely legal space tail” here, either. Maybe you should try Ominpotindr or something. Jeez, sorry, can’t hang out. I’m actually going to the, uh, store and, um, I don’t have any room in my car to take you.”


And on the back we have Dingir’s partner, Bluella, The Extreme Intelligence. Bluella is aghast at the thought of having to deal with Taintzore again after that time he got blackout drunk and crashed through their coffee table. “If he comes in the house, you’re banished to the Black Hole Couch for an entire month!” she whispers to Dingir before retweeting to a different dimension to live-tweet about it.


BLAAAAAAAARGGGHHHHH! Dingir and Bluella are just trying to protect their son, Chad The Unlikable. He’s so impressionable and his twisted body and deformed face just can’t handle it. They just want their hellworm of a child to grow up right and not fall into the wrong crowd. It would just break their hearts if they caught him smoking spacegrass with those other no-goodnicks that hang outside the Intergalactic Wawa late at night. Just look at him. He’s got coffee beans coming out of his shoulder. That boy doesn’t need someone like Taintzore coming around and giving him ideas.

If Chad starts talking back and sass-mouthing, it’s back to his chemical pod where he’ll hibernate for a millenia or until he’s ready to apologize. I hope you’re happy, Taintzore!



BLAAAAAAAARGGGHHHHH! This looks like someone cross-bred a blueberry with a high dosage of LSD. Are those supposed to be brains or just mushed-up noodles? I’d say the white zipper lining and drawstrings distract from the design, but that’s a good thing. In fact, wrap the entire hoodie with strings. This hoodie should come with a complimentary pair of sunglasses or at least some eye drops.



Did you dig this? Take a second to support Toilet ov Hell on Patreon!
Become a patron at Patreon!