Songs We’d Actually Like To See Slayer Perform On Their “Last” World Tour
In a gadda da vida, honey…
Didja hear? Slayer is totally breaking up forever and ever and ever, so you’d better go see them on this last tour that sounds an awful like their 2017 tour. Technically, they’re not officially breaking up (I think) and “final world tour” can be left up to interpretation. It’s not a world tour if they just play a bunch of the big Euro metal fests like Wacken and Bloodstock, right? The video advertising “the end” states that their “final North American tour dates [are] coming.” So which one is it? World or North American? Again, that says tour dates. If Riot Fest ponyed up the dough for The Misfits, they can do it for Slayer if they wanted.
Besides, no band stays dormant forever. Not even death can stop bands from performing anymore. I’m calling it now: In a year, maybe two, Slayer will be back playing shows. Not a bold prediction, I know, but it needed to be said as metal blogs fall all over themselves reporting the devastating news.
In the meantime, though, they are going to squeeze the last penny out of every mullet head aggroed-out knuckledragger that thinks Jagermeister is the height of alcohol and anyone that doesn’t like metal is “a fuckin’ pussy!” Bands like The Who, KISS, and Black Sabbath have done the “final tour” gimmick multiple times so Slayer might as well too. Get those Sacajeweas now before you have to rely on fans buying your shitty wine, dumb aprons, Nazi candles, discount rolling papers, and something to read while sitting on the toilet.
If this is indeed the final Slayer tour (again, it’s not), then the question must be asked: what songs will they play? You wouldn’t be going out on a limb by naming the hits like “Raining Blood” “Seasons In The Abyss” “Dead Skin Mask” “Angel Of Death” and the like. Those are safe guesses because most of Slayer’s career could be described as being relatively “safe”. Even Diabolus In Musica, an album many would consider the band’s Cold Lake still sounds like most Slayer songs. Safe is also boring. If you’ve seen Slayer live in the past, oh, thirty years, you’ve probably heard most of those songs at least once. Now if that time for risks, Slayer. Embrace your entire careers. Luckily, we’re here to make some suggestions that will fake your “final” world and/or North American tour one to remember.
This little toe-tapper is an ode to the bloated-corpse-that-is-still-somehow-breathing known as right-wing radio firebrand and pill-popper Rush Limbaugh. Joe covered it best after Tom Araya jammed his own foot deep within his own mouth and memed the most unpopular president in modern history with his own band. Maybe the band can sell Official Slayer(tm) bootstraps on this tour. They can use the leftovers to pull themselves up after the touring money dries out.
Stain Of Mind
In the late 90s, Slayer experimented with bounce riffs and quasi-rapping vocals. I wonder why they didn’t go further with this sound into the new millennium? The only thing this song is missing is a few wikki-wikki turntable scratches. Bust out your backwards red Yankees hat and make sure to tell people you’re “feeling those lighters”.
Ah, Judgement Night. I’ve seen this movie a whole bunch of times and so should you. Emilio Estevez! Cuba Gooding Jr! Denis Leary! Jeremy Piven (spoiler) getting tossed off a roof! This movie has it all, including a soundtrack that put metal and rock bands with rap acts. Ice-T is a busy man with a successful acting career, a demanding touring schedule with Body Count, and his wife Coco, so Kerry King may have to rap the verses on this one.
What We’re All About
I wonder if Kerry King ever wakes up at night in a cold sweat thinking about this song. This is from a simpler time when Sum 41 was popular, there was only one Spider-Man movie, and Pepsi was both blue AND extreme. People might want to hear one of King’s other guest appearances like the Beastie Boys’ “No Sleep ‘Til Brooklyn” but no. This is what Slayer should bust out. I want to hear Tom Araya and Gary Holt trade the whitest rhymes possible. Dress Paul Bostaph up in a Spidey costume for the full effect.
Systematic – Pleasure To Burn
Speaking of Paul Bostaph, he can bust out your favorite Systematic hits as a sort of intermission/piss break/Monster Energy chugging contest.
B-Side Wins Again
This is so bad I want Slayer to open and close with it just to see the confused and disgusted faces on the meatheads in attendance. Every time one of those ding-dongs yells “Raining Blood” (and you know it will happen a lot on this tour). I want Slayer to start playing this song again. That’s something Type O Negative would do and I wish more bands had a complete contempt for their stupidest fans.
The Man In Black
It would really make headlines if the band hauled out a bunch of angry bees to recreate Dave Lombardo’s song in Cremaster. You could even have Nicolas Cage do guest vocals! Sure the bees will almost definitely get lose and sting a lot of people, possibly even killing some, but you’re fuggin’ Slayer, man!
Covering Tori Amos’s cover of Raining Blood
You know they’re going to play “Raining Blood” but why listen to the essentially same version they’ve been playing since 1986? How about a cover of a cover? It’s like sticking a chicken sandwich in your Whopper. Wow, that sounds really dirty.
How about this: The lights in the half-full amphitheater dims. Cloaked figured wheel out a giant grand piano. Kerry King gently tickles the ivory keys as Tom Araya soulfully croons “Raining Blood” for ten minutes. Then the piano starts shooting red-dyed corn syrup onto the crowd like Gwar.
Born To Be Wild
This is incredibly awful. It’s amazing this hasn’t haunted the band for years after the fact. This is the final song they should ever play. Go out on the shittiest note possible, followed by the band dropping their pants and manipulating their butt cheeks while they say “We’ve got your money and there are no refunds. See you next year, suckers.” It’s the end we deserve. It’s the end they deserve. Until they do it all again the next time around.