Swellin’ to the JIMMIEZ…


Hey everybody, Detective McNulty here!  I’ve recently recovered from the great Akerstache catastrophe from a few months ago, and Joe is busy playing with some kind of water walrus; so I’m going to step in and provide some tips to all the swellers out there.

Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought to yourself, “I’m tired of getting stuffed into lockers. I bet CONAN THE MOTHERF*CKING KING and SMOHLG don’t get stuffed into lockers!” On Friday night we are destroying your body; so welcome to Jimmy’s Friday Night Blitz. “Why Friday night?” you may be asking yourself. After work you might have a significant other or some adorable Corgis waiting for you at home. Maybe you come home and log on to Steam or PSN (if you’re 12, Xbox Live). Perhaps you’ve got friends waiting for you at the bar! All that can wait, for the gym is an open playground on Friday evenings. You’re not going to stand around and wait for some BDub bro in a 5FDP shirt to finish with the fly machine, you’re going to hop on and destroy your body [only to be rebuilt in a few days]. And when you’re finished with Jimmy’s Friday Night Blitz, you’ll be able to join all your friends while feeling like a million bucks! Let’s investigate, shall we?

The key element tonight is focus. You can’t lose focus of the swell, though your friends might be texting you all night asking “where u be…” for this is a long workout with multiple stages and I will help you through it all. After a few weeks of this you’ll be wielding a Northern Regalia, the likes of which our friends Randall Thor and Masterlord SteelDragon so deftly handle. There’s a big break in the middle of our workout, and personally I prefer to drive to a different gym (the drive gives the body a chance to recover), but if that’s not an option you have to take a few minutes to pick up a coveted Swans vinyl or something… that’s your call.

STAGE 1: Torture. Queue up some quality grindcore. You must FOCUS on the swell for this stage, you can’t let the music occupy your mind. The more you actively listen to the music, the less you can work on destroying that muscle tissue. You can’t let a particular riff or hook take control, and the following two bands will help with that task:

We’re going to torture that muscle tissue with free weights. You need to do two exercises with each individual muscle group. For example, chest: do an incline and a decline, or an iso-lateral bench and flys (whichever you chose, next week do the other). A benchpress by itself doesn’t round out the workout, it requires a supplement. Take care of the following muscles (two exercises each): chest, back, bicep, tricep, shoulders, and abs. Two different exercises each should take you an hour. Make sure you don’t double-up too quickly; for example, most chest exercises also involve the triceps, so maybe follow up your benchpress with some curls. When finished, you need a 15-minute breather (this is when I drive to another gym). [Joe Note: Really??? Why???]

STAGE 2 :Slaughter of the Soul [body]. Your muscles have been through a lot, but now it’s time to introduce them to a new Vector of Cruelty. No tissue shall remain unharmed in stage 2, so we need to shift our FOCUS onto something other than the destruction. This is where I change over to bands that require truly active listening, like tech death or BTBAM. It’ll keep your mind off of the pain:

These muscle groups have been through a lot, now it’s time to finish them (There’s my JAG reference)! Hop onto the machines, the ones which require moving the pin for different weights. Perform an exercise or two for each of the muscle groups we just destroyed (these are a little easier; the pulleys allow for a linear change in resistance). So, in Stage 1 we incorporated the core muscle groups and a few ancillary muscles. Here, we are making sure they don’t live to fight another day. Spend about 45 minutes here.

STAGE 3:  Heartwork… and this is where I’m going to lose a lot of you. Not because of the work, but because of the music picks. It’s cardiovascular time! These exercises get boring and repetitive quickly, and I find that metal doesn’t do the trick. (BTW Rho Stone, I dare you to find a single fault in a Lady Gaga video.)

Intense weight lifting DOES burn a lot of calories, but we need to get that sweat flowing. Lose last night’s beer weight so you can replenish it with tonight’s. Hop onto an elliptical machine or a stationary bike (if you’re cray, actually run). Metal will keep you checking the clock every few minutes, hence the pop picks. You can exercise to the beat, sing along with them; the time will go by in a flash. Sneak in 30 minutes of cardio before leaving the gym. You’ll thank me after wiping the sweat from your brow after the 666th time.

STAGE 4:  Join your bro’s at the bar! Tyree and George Lynch are seeing who can drink the most cheap beers, Stockhausen is tasting a craft beer that’s only brewed two weeks every other year, and J. Hotel is passed out in the corner (we’ll have to lift him to safety later). As for me, I’ll have a few shots and go see what Rhonda Pearlman is up to…


I hope you have success with Jimmy’s Friday Night Blitz! None of the information contained here is based on fact, so keep your lips shut, Paris Hilton! This program will turn your Ghaal into a true Manowar. I also find that if you wear an OSDM shirt you’ll earn a good amount of respect and/or fear whilst using the equipment…


Did you dig this? Take a second to support Toilet ov Hell on Patreon!
Become a patron at Patreon!