Teh Bestest Band in Americka is THE GIBSONS
Back in August 2014 we asked you to help us find the best unsigned bands in America. After hearing the godly, patriotic tones provided by Tennessee’s own The Gibsons, we are officially calling off that contest. This is because The Gibsons aren’t just the best band in America – THEY ARE AMERICA.
My fancy-pants college book-learnin’ once taught me that America is a secular democracy founded on the ideals of religious freedom, uncensored speech, and representative government, but my eyes have finally been opened by my new spiritual and political leaders, The Gibson family. The USA is actually the culmination of Jesus’s master plan for all of us humble (probably White) men on Earth.
Whether you are a rural biker gang,
a ghost town street preacher,
an olde timey barber,
an olde timey blacksmith,
or an uncharasmatic guitarist performing in front of grainy green screen images,
This weekend, as I celebrate my liberty from the 18th century Nazi-communist King of England, I kept The Gibsons near and dear to my heart. Visit their official website for biographical material (mandatory reading) and their YouTube channel for
aimless rants timeless sermons about subjects as diverse as child rearing, income inequality, and motherfucking angels.
Some words from my fellow Toileters who have also seen The Gibsons’ holy light that shineth forth from the South;
“Listening to The Gibsons made me piss fireworks, shit bald eagles and vomit flaming constitutions. I then wept a single tear of Bud Light and turned into a monster truck.” – Cybernetic Organism
“The Gibsons are one step short of bathing in eagle tears. If you play this song and the national anthem at the same time, Abraham Lincoln appears and gives you a firm slap on the butt, with eye contact. When Obama’s gun squad eventually shows up to take my guns away, I’m playing this song on repeat along with Mel Gibson’s The Patriot starring Mel Gibson. Freedom isn’t free.” – Stockhausen
“As a Canadian, I believed my whole life that free health care, beavers, and the metric system were all serious advantages we had over the US of A. But after hearing this song, I’ve come to realize that my liberal, commie, hippie-dippy gay-loving government institutionalized these socialistic agendas to oppress my freedoms. Feet and inches for life! Weight only in lbs! Eagles over beavers! Needless to say, I’m revoking my citizenship and moving to the US of A, where I will promptly shoot myself like the filthy job-stealing immigrant I am.” – Guacamole Jim
God bless America – all of us, everyone. (But mostly just the White people.)