The Bowlympics MMXVI: Day 3


Today we showcase 5 nations competing in the most brutal ballgame featured at this year’s Olympics.

Before the siren sounds on today’s games, let’s recap yesterday’s event. Destrage took home the gold in the water polo for Italy, narrowly defeating the USA and Brazil along the way. Now the entire world can go back to not giving a flying fuck about water polo for four more years. On to today’s event –

After a 92 year absence from the Olympics, rugby finally returns to the fold. Well… kinda. The IOC being the giant wimps that they are, decided to incorporate the novelty form of rugby known as Rugby 7’s. To those who don’t know what that means, I’ll give you some perspective with an added dash of salt. Imagine basketball wasn’t an Olympic staple, then after years of popular demand the IOC caved-in and said they’d include it, with a ‘minor’ caveat: it would be some weak exhibition 3-on-3 version of basketball that literally nobody follows and would not include any NBA players; welcome to Rugby 7’s.

Proper rugby has 15 players and is played by a mix of thundering barbarians and thundering barbarians who have also somehow managed to remain lithe. Rugby 7’s on the other hand, has (you guessed it) seven players per team, which greatly changes the fundamental style of the game and, as such, is generally played in exhibition situations such as pre-season warm-ups, etc. The players are usually smaller, the rules are different, no one cares about it, but I’ll be damned if it isn’t still 666 times more metal than soccer/football/the one where you pretend to fall over to win. My only guess as to why they chose Rugby 7’s over actual rugby is that they thought it would be more exciting to outsiders. In which case, if keeping things upbeat was the goal, why didn’t they replace the horses in equestrian with leopards, or fill the synchronised swimming pool with bull sharks? Still, it’s interesting that they decided to bring it back for this particular Olympiad, as Brazil are not known for having any major involvement in the sport whatsoever. I mean, yesterday Brazil lost 26-0 to the USA, who turned up wearing helmets and their own bodyweight in gym pads. Rough! However, their neighbours over in Argentina have steadily climbed the world rankings during my lifetime and are now quite competitive, sometimes upsetting nations with a much longer history in the sport. Wait, aren’t Argentina and Brazil mortal enemies? The only way this makes sense is if the IOC or Brazil were involved in some kind of under-the-table dealing… nevermind.

Whatever the case, the nature of the sport is perfectly suited to metal; it’s a fierce battle where crushing your opponents is not only allowed, it’s encouraged. After the sport-crazy Hanneman and King saw a rugby game during the 90’s and noted how much crazier it was than their coveted NFL, they decided to write a song for Slayer’s upcoming album about it, 1998’s “Scrum.” We had originally aimed to include South Africa in today’s competition as they have been one of the top 5 rugby nations for a long time, but it seems they didn’t make the Olympics for whatever reason, so the USA sneak in with the obvious choice of song. Taking the field today we have Australia, Great Britain, Ireland, the USA, and the mighty All-Blacks (New Zealand). Which country will keep the majority of their teeth and correspondingly deserves to bring home the gold?

While there were many potential songs to fit this theme for the Australian submission, one towered above the others in the line-out. If you don’t think the title of the first Psycroptic track ever is apt for the theme, then you’ve clearly never experienced the subtleties of bogan charm found at a typical rugby tournament. The Tassie devils’ 2001 track “Carnival Of Vulgarity” is perfect to tackle this event.

While the English may not admit to it, the main reason they compete at the games as “Great Britain” is to poach talent from Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland in order to actually become competitive. So it’s only fitting that they’re represented today by a Welsh powerhouse in the form of doom barbarians Haast’s Eagled. Their track “Viking” takes about 1:30 to kick into gear, but once it does, it has enough brute force to roll a maul from post to post.

Getting amongst the ruck for the Shamrocks we have Slidhr. Hailing from Dublin, Ireland, the duo’s track “Rejoin the Dirt” commands you to accept the fact that you’ll undoubtedly be forced to eat turf for a solid 80 minutes like the pathetic worm you are.

Taking the park for the USA we have some band called §LΛ¥ƩⱤ, they kinda sound like Slayer.

Donning the hallowed All-Blacks jersey is New Zealand‘s Ulcerate. The track title is more indicative of the situation their opposition usually find themselves in, as the imposing Kiwi defence is as solid as a brick shit-house.

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