How to be a REAL METALHEAD \m/: A Step-by-Step Guide


After more than 10 years experience in the world of being a REAL METALHEAD, I come to you with advice about how to stand out like a spike-ladden diamond amidst a sea of polo-wearing POSERS, because if you’re reading this, you clearly need all the help you can get. Follow these five simple steps and you’ll be feeling better about your deep-seated insecurities in no time!

1.- Start out with NU-METAL, then promptly denounce it.

If you were born after 1985, the only real gateway into metal is NU-METAL. You know that HOWIE MANDEL song that made your grandpa cry? DISTURBED are the perfect blend of accessible and aggressive… perfect enough for you to get into them, discover the bands that influenced them, and quickly turn around and delete any evidence of your fandom because you’ve realized they’re soft kiddie music. Bonus credit if  when describing why their music is bad you use homophobic slurs that you probably don’t understand because deep down you’re confused and conflicted about a lot of things in life right now. Then do the same with KORN, MARILYN MANSON, LINKIN PARK, GODSMACK and SLIPKNOT. When in public, you will tear these bands to pieces, then go home and belt out along to every single word on THE SICKNESS.

During this transition phase it’s OK (and even encouraged) to listen to some poser bands like GREEN DAY, NIRVANA, GUNS ‘N ROSES and AVENGED SEVENFOLD to help you ease into your newfound, terribly unbalanced personality.


2.- Delve into different genres, but not too much.

Once you’ve established that you’re no longer allowed to like NU-METAL, it’s time to move on. Forefathers first: BLACK SABBATH, JUDAS PRIEST and IRON MAIDEN. Never full albums, just the most famous songs over and over again. If you’re sick of FEAR OF THE DARK by the 1000th listen, you bear the mark of the POSER and must stop reading immediately. Otherwise, continue on listening to METALLICA, PANTERA, and the most famous bands from each of the famous subgenres. Be careful with BLACK-METAL and DEATH-METAL though! It’s OK to listen to some stuff, but it can get pretty scary. You can listen to some CANNIBAL CORPSE and CRADLE OF FILTH, just make sure your mom isn’t around when you do! lol!! Be sure to enjoy various types of metal, just keep it at a five band maximum per genre, otherwise life will get unpredictable and overbearing haha.

GRIND-CORE and METAL-CORE are off the table because they are for well-adjusted homeless people.

Genres Meme

3.- Pick one subgenre and NEVER listen to it; endlessly berate it.

You are now faced with an important choice: to choose the subgenre you will perpetually crap on! This will usually be either POWER-METAL or BLACK-METAL (or both), and you will always clarify that your love of metal comes with a caveat: “I LOVE all metal! Except POWER-METAL because it’s stupid and for nerds haha!”. The best part is: you don’t have to really hate it. In fact, it’s even better if you haven’t listened to more than 30 seconds of said genre in your entire life!! Your taste is so supreme and refined that you don’t need to actually listen to something to know it is positively horrible. High-five!!!!¡!

Black Metal Sandwich

4.- Wear only black band shirts, all the time.

Pick a band you like and buy their merch! Since you don’t have a credit card, buy an obvious, discolored and badly printed knockoff at your local METAL store (or even better, make one yourself). Highly important note: the only possible color is black. You will wear your same 5 band shirts year round: at social gatherings, funerals, in the melting summer heat, to job interviews and everywhere in between. OTHER COLORS DO NOT EXIST, because if they did, you would be forever FALSE. You can optionally enhance your new look with leather wristbands, stunted spikes and assorted AFFLICTION and TAPOUT pieces.

Varg Wearing Black

5.- Make your passion known in the most condescending way possible.

The key to being a REAL METALHEAD is: always let people know that you are one!!! It’s not enough that you can be heard approaching by the rattle of your knee-banging wallet chain, or that the design on your sun-magnet of a shirt speaks volumes to the people around you. You need to loudly proclaim your love of REAL MUSIC by putting down everything that doesn’t fit your narrow categories without giving it as much as a semblance of a chance! POP is for sissies! ELECTRONICA is for junkies! BABYMETAL is for both!!!

Be the heart and soul of every party by standing awkwardly in a corner and complaining about the choice of music to anyone who approaches you! Only then will you become a REAL METALHEAD.

Metalhead Disneyland

Following these steps is crucial, but don’t forget the most important principle: be yourself, and do that by behaving like everyone in this subculture does and is expected to.

This post is brought to you by Bittersweet & Stangry Sarcasm.

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