The New Black – Long Time Coming: A Video Breakdown
Back in black.
The New Black, not to be confused with the Strapping Young Lad album or the second half of the title of a popular Netflix show, is a German hard rock/heavy metal band on AFM Records. That’s all I really know about the band. According to their bio on AFM’s website, they’ve shared the stage with AC/DC, Black Label Society, and Alter Bridge. That’s, um, quite the list of bands. Apparently, the band also has “ballsy drums”. That sounds more like a horrific medical condition than a positive band description.
“Ballsy drums” sounds like a condition you get in a 50’s sex education video from cranking your shaft too much. Whelp, there’s only one way to find out if the drums are in fact ballsy. Put on your gloves and tighten your goggles. Here’s The New Black’s video for their song “Long Time Coming”.
0:04: That mic smells of bong water and schnitzel.
0:10: So really, it just smells like Blackberry Smoke.
0:16: Holy shit, someone entered the Big Head Mode code into this video.
0:20: Make sure to put in the Konami Code for more lives.
0:25: Song brought to you by almost any Playstation 1 racing game.
0:33: This Magneto cosplay just isn’t working for me.
0:35: Now this “Fred The Baker As The Face Of The Moon” cosplay is right on target.
0:46: Oh, so this is Chernobyl. Now, the giant misshapen head makes more sense.
0:52: Your gargantuan noggin really brings out the ruffles in your shirt.
0:57: Seems like “waiting here” is the least of your problems, Egghead.
1:05: Song brought to you by the MLB playoffs pre-game show.
1:18: Now that’s a quality shot of someone’s tummy.
1:23: “He’ll be crying himself to sleep tonight on his huge pillow.”
1:29: HEY, LISTEN!
1:32: If Navi looked like that, I think a lot more people would listen.
1:41: Song brought to you by a commercial for to join the Marines.
1:47: “HEY, LISTEN! OVER THERE! THERE, YA STUPID FUCK!”
1:49: “Where? Sorry, my depth perception is all screwy, what with my monstrous cranium and all.”
1:59: “HEY, LISTEN! SEE YOU IN HELL, YOU MELON-HEADED BASTARD!”
2:12: Intense tummy action!
2:19: Song brought to you by the 1998 X Games.
2:35: See, this is why you don’t eat spicy food right before going to bed.
2:43: Weird. Usually he dreams of running backwards through the forest.
2:48: He has the arm movements of a young Jim Carrey.
2:51: One of the few times the void refuses to stare back.
2:59: He’s falling into Earth’s asshole, isn’t he? Hope he likes Philadelphia.
3:10: Instead of magma, the earth is full of bad photoshops.
3:16: Song brought to you by Pepsi Blue.
3:24: “Why didn’t anyone tell me my nose was so big?”
3:29: Washington Redskins fans are ready for next season.
3:41: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
3:42: Whoa, I was just kidding, but they’re totally going to do it!
3:48: Is that the German version of French kissing?
The New Black’s album A Monster’s Life is out on February 26th via AFM Records.