Toilet Ov Hell Dumplings à la Nihility


If you wanted to extend your life by indulging in the process of ingesting organic molecules, you could make dumplings. Or you could just not bother.
It doesn’t matter as the end result is death.
It’s always death.

Fuck it, make some dumplings anyway.

Soup Ingredients

2L /0.5 gal. chicken (or vegetable) stock or just water
ginger (optional)
300g /10.5 oz. noodles (udon are good for this, pool noodles however, are not ideal)
bok choy (any choy is fine, I use Pak choy as that’s the one my lizards prefer)
100g /3.5 oz. snow peas (beans or whatever, doesn’t matter, still comes out brown)
baby corn (the veal of maize)
1tbsp soy sauce
3 spring onions (you can use any onion, who cares)
1 chilli (or eat 7, you think you’re a hero anyway)
fresh coriander (not vital but good for garnish)

Dumpling Ingredients

400g /16 oz. chicken or pork mince (I use pork because chicken mince is feral)
2 spring onions (optional)
1 clove garlic
5 water chestnuts (I just use a can of them)
1tbsp soy sauce
1tbsp cornflour (I’m sure other flours would be ok)


1. In a large saucepan, bring 2L (0.5 gal.) of chicken or vegetable stock (or half and half or even just water if you don’t want to use stock) to the boil on the stove. Put some fresh ginger in, you can use dry ground ginger if you like. If you don’t like ginger, don’t use it, you moron.

2. While you wait for this to boil, get the dumpling ingredients cut up fine, put into a large bowl and mix them together. I have a food processor so I use that to chop it all up and mix, including the mince. Doing it with your hands is fine; just make sure your hands are dirty prior to mixing so you don’t have to add salt or pepper.

3. Make golf ball sized balls out of the mixture, ideally you will do this while the food processor is running and remove all of your fingers so you can’t reply to this post saying how you prefer to buy your food from that local asian takeaway joint or how you have found the coolest cat gif today and feel the need to incessantly yammer about its whimsical attempts to manoeuvre about or its arbitrary ‘cuteness’ level relative to other cat pictures you fawn over.

4. Drop the dumplings into the bubbling stock, making sure to splash yourself with as much boiling liquid as possible, scalding the ever-wrinkling and aesthetically repulsive skin-bag you’re confined to until you rot.

This is the time to cut up some of the vegetables. Start by trimming the snow peas and the choy, if your baby corn needs cutting, you can do that now too, cut the shallots later as they only need to be blanched at the end.

5. After 3 minutes (or whatever arcane measurements you fools use for time), the dumplings will float. You can remove them with a slotted spoon and put them into the bowl you’re going to slovenly eat from. I usually leave mine for another minute or two to make sure they’re cooked all the way through. You on the other hand, like most animals, probably desire instant satisfaction and will remove them immediately in the kind of hasty fervour that you usually attempt to suppress when in the company of other members of your failing species.

6. Once all the dumplings are out of the liquid, add your noodles, the length of time they’ll need to be boiled for is dependant on what type you chose. I’ll let you work it out. I’m sure you think you know better anyway. For the udon noodles I’m using here, it is about 5 minutes.

7. With 3 minutes to go you can begin to add your vegetables to the boil, I start with the hardest/densest ones first because that makes sense. But you don’t like sense, you like chaos. Do something stupid, it will be funny for that awesome youtube channel you run. Everyone will remember that for the rest of their lives. Their children’s children will someday learn about the supreme hilarity and unique nature of you, the almighty individual.

After a couple of minutes, everything will be cooked and you can ladle the noodles, vegetables and some broth over the dumplings (that you’ve already started eating) in your bowl.
Garnish with some freshly cut coriander and chilli, or don’t, it matters not.
Serve immediately, because you weren’t going to wait anyway.


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