Cooking for Metalheads, Vol. 2: From Fear Through the Eyes of Lolbuttz
This Young Chip Dip Checked His Facebook When He Got Home. You’ll Never Guess What Happened Next!
Sadness. Sadness is what happened next.
Yes, those are the exact hurtful words my mother, the Matriarch Avocado, sent to me. I think it’s pretty safe to say that I’ve long since run out of Good Boy Points, so in order to regain said points as rapidly as possible, I’ve decided to cook her favourite pasta dish. That oughta do me for a couple of months’ worth of Good Boy Points, and maybe a Grimmy Jimmy on the side!
PASTA WITH BOILED DOWN TOMATO SAUCE
(There’s probably a catchier title, but I don’t know it.)
— 1 Can plum tomatoes (with or without basil leaf – your choice)
— A big heaping spoonful of butter
— Half a yellow onion
— Cheese (of your choice; today I’m using Jarlsberg)
— 2 pots
NOTES: This recipe, while time consuming, is not difficult to make, and requires very few ingredients. It has the added benefit of being incredibly delicious. I do feel the need to warn the weakest of our readers: this shit is rich. It’s not for the faint of heart.
The above quantities will serve 1 fatass (like me!) or 2 Paris Hiltons (she keeps writing Swelling to the Jammiez, but the only thing “swelling” about her is her “pecs”!). Roughly 1.5 Joe Thrashnkills would be filled, or it could be split evenly by W., the Masterlord, and Leif Bearikson for a romantic three-way.
1. Dump the can of tomatoes in a pot.
2. Throw in the half an onion and the butter. Turn to medium heat.
3. Stir the pot often, bringing it to a slow boil. You may need to turn the heat up early on to start the tomatoes cooking, but be sure to bring it back down. As the sauce simmers, continue to reduce the heat slowly. This part will take between 1 – 2 hours, depending on how thick you want the sauce.
4. Chop up the tomatoes with your spoon.
5. Keep stirring that bitch. You don’t want to burn the bottom (this is why low heat is mandatory). Also, DON’T COVER IT. The point is to evaporate the moisture, and if you cover it you’ll be cooking for hours with no result.
6. Once your tomato sauce looks like the above picture, fill a pot with water, salt it, and bring it to boil.
7. As soon as you’ve put the water on the stove, set your oven to broil (high heat).
8. Once your water is boiling, cook your pasta. When it’s ready (al dente, motherfuckers), drain it. Turn off the heat on your tomato sauce (unless you feel it could use a little more time, in which case, continue simmering and stirring).
9. Place your pasta in a bowl. Dump the tomato sauce and grated cheese on top.
10. Your oven should be ready by now. Place the entire bowl in the oven, and let the cheese melt until it has reached your desired level of melted/browned.
11. Let it cool, and then eat! You’ve earned it, champ.
Normally, I would recommend a beer with most food I cook, but with this particular dish the tomatoes will overpower most anything. To this end, a bottle of Amontillado (or in lieu of a good Amontillado, a dry sherry) would perfectly contrast the sweet, rich flavour of the reduced tomatoes and cleanse the palate in between bites. Serve slightly chilled.
This dish is classic, rich, Italian food. I can foresee two situations in which you will be consuming it:
1. Alone – you poor, miserable bastard. I feel for you. At least, after hours of slaving away, you will enjoy the fruits of your labour free of competition. Uncork that bottle, get your fork in hand, and rock out. Stuff your face to this tasty jam:
2. In the company of a significant other – you poor, miserable bastard. Having to slave away only to have the person you spend too much time with be unappreciative of your hard work? Unacceptable. However, your effort may–if you’re lucky–reward itself with a Grimmy Jimmy (or a Grimmy Kimmy for the ladies), so you’ve gotta set the mood. Light some candles, don’t slurp when you eat, and have this bad boy playing softly in the background.
IN CONCLUSION: It turns out that my mother didn’t want a peace offering, so I’m still short quite a few Good Boy Points of a Chicken Tendie. At least I have this delicious pasta dish to enjoy.
BUT WAIT. . . THERE’S MORE!
When writing this article, I asked our illustrious writing team to photoshop some kvlt pictures of myself for the featured image, and they delivered in true Toilet fashion. I couldn’t let these gems go to waste, so I present to you: Glock Jim ist Krieg Gallery! (click to enlarge all images)
A huge shout out to the crew at The Toilet ov Hell for responding to my request with such glorious artwork!
Words cannot express how thankful I am to Stockhausen for providing the amazing cover photo.
Also, many thanks to my good friend Phia P. for providing me with enough insults to emotionally cripple even the most confident of individuals.
(Embedded image via)