Whiff o’ the Week (11/16/14)
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
Choose your passage into the void. This is Whiff o’ the Week.
Last week, Masterpants and Joe Trailerpantsnkill tied for the most offensive whiff. I guess the public has decided that Venom are as awful as Texas Hippie Coalition. I wonder how KSOFM feels about that. Anyway, Joe has now earned one full trophy after his two half victories. Congratulations!
Okay, so let’s keep the themed whiff train rolling. Next week’s category: Worst scream ever!Submit your entries to the gmail.
This week’s competition is to decide the most egregiously bad song on an otherwise great album. Test each song below and cast your die!
W.
I was originally going to select “Escape” by Metallica, but Howard Dean threatened to rip my beating heart from my chest and consume it like the high priest from the Temple of Doom. I happen to be fond of my heart, so I decided to search for a different whiff. Thankfully, my memory did not fail me, and I believe I have discovered an even bigger stinker. Before I introduce my whiff, I need to set something straight. There will never be another metal album as metal as Kings of Metal by Manowar. The album is the crown jewel of trve metal, and it would be utterly flawless except for one blunder. For some reason, the band thought that including the hokey “Pleasure Slave” on an otherwise peerless testament to testosterone and steel would be a good idea. Unfortunately, the band didn’t realize that the misogynistic anthem, even if it is tongue-in-cheek, would be a major turn-off for many fans. This song is such a strange decision that supposedly Ross the Boss quit the band after the recording of this album. Oh well. Thankfully, Manowar got back to their welcome vaguely homoerotic paeans to the glory of metal after this effort.
James Jimmy McNulty
BTBAM is good at mixing a thousand things in a blender and producing excellence… Except with this song. Skip to 1:50 for cringeworthy melodic vocals followed by goofy deathcore garbage. This song feels like another band trying to copy/pasta BTBAM and failing at it.
MoshOff
I really enjoyed The Faceless‘ Autotheism and found it to be pretty spotless. That is, except for this abomination of an “intelectual” interlude. *shudders* It’s stuff like this that makes me not want to be associated with atheists in any way.
Lacertilian22
While this may be an amusing attempt at deconstructed metal, it is a fucking B-side and a shame that halfway through Far Beyond Driven you have to push skip to get past this track. I don’t even care if Dime was using a fucking beer can to play the riff. Leave it on the Vulgar videos or whatever.
Great album, song not needed.
Ellipsis
“I don’t know how to live through this hell!” screeches James Hetfield at the start of “Trapped Under Ice”, and I couldn’t agree more. Metallica’s Ride The Lightning is a classic, but this four minutes of thrash meandering is a low point of their mid-eighties heyday. Metallica have shown some good sense and have only played the song 21 times in it’s 30 year existence. “I can’t take anymore!” Indeed.
JöhnnytheMotherFuckin’Crünch
Through The Ashes Of Empires was a great return to form for Machine Head but this song always bored the shit outta me.
Papa Joe Trailerpantsnkill
Regardless of what you think of Megadeth or Dave Mustaine, “Countdown to Extinction” is a pretty sweet album and one of my longtime favorites. Every song is fantastic. Well, almost every song. I hate “High Speed Dirt”. Hate it, brah. It is a cheesy tune about how much the band likes skydiving. It’s boring rockstar shit that doesn’t belong anywhere on the same album as “Symphony of Destruction”, “Foreclosure of a Dream”, or “Sweating Bullets”.
DeadButtDreaming
Nazareth doesn’t need to be covered. In fact, Nazareth doesn’t need to exist at all. Another great album with a stupid cover song included for no reason.
SMOHLG
In 2013, Rotting Christ proved they can still bring it after 2+ decades of slaying posevrs. Kata Ton Daimona Eaytoy is brimming with anthemic riffs and choruses, creating an energy that makes the album an absolute juggernaut. Only one song can’t hang and it just so happens to be the one smack dab in the middle of the album. “Cine lubeşte Şi Lasă” is an overly long, boner killing track that halts the album’s momentum. Listen for yourself.
Lady SteelDragon
This album is awesome, but I honestly don’t know what they were thinking when they decided to include this self-important shit-stain of a song.
Leif Bearikson
I make sure to skip this song every time. From that godawful opening riff that sounds like bad metal reggae (Skindred?) to the flat chorus. The only thing worthwhile about the song is the “goddamn” Randy belts out at 1:42, and even then I’m just thinking “GODDAMN, why did I make it this far into this song?”
Okay flushalos, what say you? What is the most offensive turd among diamonds?
