Whiff o’ the Week (1/4/2015)

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“Yet, for a wild moment, did my spirit refuse to comprehend the meaning of what I saw. At length it forced — it wrestled its way into my soul — it burned itself in upon my shuddering reason. — Oh! for a voice to speak! — oh! horror! — oh! any horror but this! With a shriek, I rushed from the margin, and buried my face in my hands — weeping bitterly.”

Come face to face with the abyss. This is Whiff o’ the Week.

Last week, we had a good old-fashioned whiff-off. No frills, no thrills. After a very lop-sided battle, Stockhausen emerged forth victorious with a nearly unanimous margin. You all agree that Attila is offensive to all of our senses. Well done.

stock2Before we get to this week’s competition, I need to tell you that we won’t be doing Whiff o’ the Week next week. I’m traveling to DC on Saturday to present some research, so my time is limited. Therefore, let’s take a break from the stinkers and conserve our ire for the coming weeks ahead.

This week, however, we still have time to revel in mediocrity. Today’s category: otherwise great song ruined by one musician’s poor performance. Let’s get to it!


W.

I was originally going to pick a Periphery track because every vocalist they’ve ever had has made every song they’ve ever written terrible, but then I realized that the category requires the song to be otherwise great. I remembered that Periphery’s music is boring too, so I guess I have to pass on them. Instead, I’m going with a band I actually like. I’ve been a fan of Dream Theater for a while now, although I found their most recent efforts to be a bit languid. That said, they wrote some of my favorite prog songs ever. Unlike a lot of you, I even really liked Systematic Chaos. “Prophets of War” is a pretty cool tune, but then Portnoy does his weird spoken-word/growl thing and just lolbuttzes all over the tracks’ momentum at about 3:50 into the song.


Papa Joe

“Hey Dwid, I wrote this sonically interesting tune. There are some neat dynamics at play here. Think you can maybe sing a melody over it or, uh, at least shout in a similar key?”
“Yeah, no problem RAUGHRAAAAHHHRAAAAAAAHRAAAAUUUGHRAAAUGJ”


Brock Samson

I am always able to headbang to the point of almost breaking my neck to “Of Fire, and Fucking Pigs” by Anaal Nathrakh. Then the worst guitar solo I have ever heard kicks in at 2:07 ruining everything. Thanks Mick Kenny.


Jöhnny Crünch ™

This song could’ve been an Iron Maiden great if Blayze Bailey wasn’t around to butcher it.


Lacertilian

The first thing that came to mind when I read Joe’s theme were the vocals from Ephel Duath. Prior to this album’s release, I had never heard of this band. The cover art looked nice so I gave it a click only to discover some textured, off-beat & unique sounding music coupled with some of the least listenable vocals I have ever heard. I won’t put a time-stamp in as you should hear what they could sound like had they not decided to add vocals. Some bands should stay instrumental.


Coolstorybro

I’ve got what might be a controversial submission this week. See, I fucking love Zeppelin – but one part of “Babe I’m Gonna Leave You” has always annoyed the shit out of me: Bonzo hitting the cymbals ON EVERY FUCKING BEAT during those loud moments (see, e.g., at 2:23). The rest of the band slays it, but Jesus does that man abuse those cymbals.


George Lynch

I am a straight sucker for a good track containing sax, trombone, trumpets, and hand clapping (Mellencamp, “Jack and Diane” shout out!). I mean nothing smells of America more than big bands! Right? Although this track is far from a perfect “big band” track, it’s easily overshadowed by TayTay’s endless bleating, cawing, and harmonizing. Which is why I am so let down by TayTay Swift‘s “Shake it Off.” #I-will-not-play-this-fing-swill-to-my-children-if-it-were-the-last-music-in-der-world/10


Nordling Rites ov Karhu

I like Fall of Efrafa, the literal concept, the “Flush you! We made three albums and that’s it” – mentality and the masterful songwriting. But “Pity the Weak” off Owsla is just bad. And gives a bad start to an otherwise great album. Actually it’s not even a bad song it’s just that the vocals on that fragile, emotional part at around 3:50 are gruff shouts. They happen to flush up my whole listening experience.


Janitor Jim

I love Alter Bridge, and this song would be amazing if the drummer wasn’t trying his best to recreate the St. Anger drum sound.


Rusty Shackleford

This is perfect because I’ve always loved to jam some early Slayer, but let’s be real. Tom Araya can’t play bass to save his damn life. Case in point: a badass jam with stupid bass riffs


Rho Stone

GO HOME JOHN BUSH YOU SUCK!


Kim Jung Un’s Gross Bodily Function

Remember how he said he can hit notes Halford can’t? Well, this video sums up that statement perfectly! And not how he intended it.


JAG

Pretty much every song by Vio-Lence. Sean Killian’s vocals ruined everything.


Alright, now it’s your turn to answer my riddle. Which of these songs was most ruined by one member?

Vote

Feel free to defend any of these choices in the comments section and tell me what a turd I am for my opinion. Also, if you hate something I love, send it to me for the next Whiff o’ the Week! All opinions here are strictly those of the writer in question, although most of them are correct.

(Photo VIA)

 

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