All I Want for Christmas is DOOM
Welcome, Toilet readers, to my list of Christmas (or Hanukkah) gifts for metal fans or family members you want to weird out. It’s hard to shop for us, sometimes. We’re picky. Sure, an iTunes gift card is easy, and we’ll probably use it to actually support musicians now that the Pirate Bay is down, but giving someone a gift card for Christmas (or Hanukkah) is shitty and boring. It’s like saying “I couldn’t be bothered to figure out what you like, so here’s $20 to spend at Hot Topic, or Applebees you fat stupid fuck”.
Anyway, here are some other ideas.
Ladies, are you tired of your man smelling like absolute shit? Would you like him to smell like absolute shit that has the vague scent of leather, sweat, and a high end golf course? Well have I got the gift for you! KK Downing has released his very own cologne, and it must be pretty damn popular because the website it’s supposedly being sold on can’t even find the product. So either KK is trolling us, or there’s gonna be a lot of old men wearing his smell this New Years. You can try your luck here on Planet Rock’s website.
A Share of Testament’s “Native Blood”
$15 – $100
Is there someone in your life that you absolutely can’t stand? Do you want them to feel like a complete jackass? Well have I got the gift for you! Testament is selling “shares” of their song, “Native Blood”, on the New York Rock Exchange. With this purchase, you get a certificate with your name on it, and the chance to sound like a giant douche when Native Blood comes on the satellite radio (does anyone actually pay for Sirius XM??) and you say “THAT’S MY SONG!”
Disclaimer: This is not an investment offering. Buying a share DOES make you an owner of the song, but your ownership is limited and does not include a financial stake in the music.
Iron Maiden Dress
Okay, real talk. We’re tired of you bringing your girlfriend out to shows. She complains about the noise, sulks at the bar, and generally makes a nuisance of herself while we’re trying to get you drunk. We all know you need to get laid, so we’ll forgive you for picking such an irritating cunt if you at least have the decency to dress her in something appropriate. Buy that bitch an Iron Maiden dress, so she can feel like she’s one of the guys! Make sure you tell her that Maiden is totally cool and that liking Maiden is something that a basic bitch wouldn’t do. Hopefully she’ll get the message. If not, you can put it on your creepy lifelike sex doll.
King Diamond Wall Clock
Do you have a friend who’s always late? You know, that guy who says he’ll meet you outside of the venue because he’s got the tickets and you need him to go inside, so he shows up an hour late and you wind up in the very back of the club with all the scrubs? Of course you do. We all do. Shame the shit out of that asshole and buy him a clock. The King’s judgmental glare may not encourage him to be on time, but it will at least remind him of what an asshole everyone thinks he is.
Have you ever had an argument with a friend about Dio’s superior vocals as opposed to Ozzy’s nasal whining old-man drone? Well settle that score in a single stroke with this decorative reminder that Dio was one of the best things to happen to Black Sabbath after Ozzy fell headfirst into a pile of cocaine and Sharon’s web of lies.
Post links to what you want for Christmas (or Hanukkah) in the comments. Maybe someone will be nice and buy it for your broke ass.