BDubs Bro Attends a Satanic Ritual | Our 666th Post
*iPhone alarm playing Nickelback goes off at 3PM*
*rolls out of bed with head-splitting Saturday afternoon hangover*
*changes out of sleeping basketball shorts into frat logo basketball shorts*
*reaches for unopened can of Keystone Light on nightstand*
“UGH, TIME FOR SOME HAIR OF THE DOG, BRO!”
*slams full beer minutes after waking up*
*reassures self this is a normal thing to do*
*accepts that not doing so means admitting to being a total poser*
*admires soft, shitty body in stained bedroom mirror*
*heads downstairs for breakfast of microwave pretzels and weeks-old Subway sandwich*
*ignores past due bills on counter, watches Sportscenter*
*roommate suddenly bursts into kitchen with breathless excitement*
“BRO BRO BRO BRO OH MAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?!”
“YOU KNOW ME BRO I’M ALWAYS UP FOR WHATEVER HA HA!”
“CHAD GAVE ME THE SCOOP ON THIS SKANK’S ARTIST’S CONVENT MEETUP DEAL TONIGHT! BUNCHA BITCHES ARE GONNA BE GETTING TOGETHER FOR LIKE NUDE DRAWINGS & SHIT!”
“AWW BRO WE’RE FUCKIN’ THERE BRO!”
*high five each other in anticipation of being there*
*high five each other again in appreciation of how well the first high five went*
“LET’S RAGE SOME BAGS, BRO!”
*spends next four hours drinking and playing bags*
*plays live DMB concert in its entirety twice*
“I’M HUNGRY BRO LET’S GET SOME BDUBS AND HEAD TO THE SKANK CONVENTION!”
“HA HA HA SKANK CONVENTION THAT’S REALLY CLEVER BRO, YOU COULD BE A COMEDIAN!”
*slams beer in excitement of potential career as comedian*
*jumps into black Ford F-150 with faux carbon fiber Trucknutz*
*peels out of neighborhood at 60mph*
*parks across three spaces at local BDubs*
*puffs chest, gives “what are you looking at?!” stare to dad with four kids exiting restaurant*
“THE FUCK’S HIS PROBLEM BRO? HE BETTER KEEP WALKIN’!”
*enters restaurant, ignores hostess, sits down at reserved table*
“THIS IS OUR USUAL SPOT BRO!”
*tosses small Reserved sign on floor*
*wolfs down two orders of shitty hot wings & slams three beers*
*remarks to waitress about her cleavage, calls her a slut under his breath*
*leaves phone number, doesn’t leave tip*
“I THINK IT’S TIME TO SEE SOME SKANKS! YOLO, BRO!”
*both stand up, shout “OOOOHHHHH!!!” in middle of restaurant*
“DUDE WHAT IF WE STARTED SAYING BROLO? LIKE BRO AND YOLO TOGETHER?”
“HA HA HA BRO YOU’RE GONNA BE THE NEXT DANE COOK! BROLO!”
*exits BDubs & jumps back in F-150*
*peels out of parking lot at 60mph*
*drives with a little more pep thanks to the idea of becoming the next Dane Cook*
“OKAY BRO CHAD SAID THE SKANK MEETUP IS AT THE OLD COLLEGE FINE ARTS BUILDING!”
*drives out to old fine arts building*
*hides behind bushes to wait for said skanks to arrive*
*waits a long time*
“BRO THIS WHOLE PART OF TOWN IS EMPTY AS FUCK, YOU SURE IT’S HERE?”
“TOTALLY BRO, CHAD’S MY BOY! HE WOULDN’T LIE TO A BRO!”
*continues waiting, slams beer to pass the time*
*sees movement in nearby building*
“OH BRO I JUST SAW SOMEONE! IT MUST BE OVER THERE BRO!”
*points toward nearby abandoned church*
“AWESOME BRO HA HA LET’S FUCKIN’ GET OVER THERE!”
*sneaks over there, hides behind tree*
*sees figure pass by window*
“awww this is totally it bro! she looks bangin’ ha ha ha!”
“shhh! they’re probably all naked sketching in there! let’s sneak inside bro!”
*quietly high five each other*
*sneaks up into abandoned church*
*looks around*
“wtf nobody here, bro!”
“bro they’re probably downstairs! let’s go see some tittays!”
*quietly descends stairs to church basement in order to facilitate viewing of said tittays*
*continues descending further*
“uhh, bro? where the fuck are these chicks…”
*takes out emergency beer, slams it for courage*
*continues to follow tunnel at bottom*
“bro, I don’t know about this, bro…”
“c’mon bro it’s right in there!”
*feels around in the darkness*
*grabs what feels like a doorknob*
*grips & turns it*
“GAAAAAHHHH OH FUCK OH FUCK BRO OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN!!! BRO BRO BRO WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE BRO!”
*roommate immediately passes out from shock*
“HA HA HA JUST LIKE LIKE FRESHMAN YEAR BRAH!”
*slams second emergency beer to think straight*
*notices girl escapes with relative ease*
*turns to run & flee*
*doesn’t notice hooded figure right behind him*
“BWAAAHH FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK GET OUTTA MY FACE, BRO!”
*flails around helplessly with junior-high level punches*
*is grabbed by the throat and slammed into wall by hooded figure*
*hooded figure remains silent*
“WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU, BRO?!”
*hooded figure motions to remove his cloak*
“GAAAAAHHHH(L)!!!”
Fin.
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(images via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via | screenshots taken from The House of the Devil)
