Black Altar – Tophet: A Video Breakdown


Altars of Badness.

Filtering on Youtube can be fun. Searching the usual places on YT for new music videos to break down was turning up zilch. A wave of desperation crashed over me. What will I break down? How will I entertain the small number of people that actually watch the video and read the jokes? No! I could not let you down! I needed to persevere, to fight through the pain, to do other things that Hatebreed sang about. Through the power of the search bar and filtering and prayer, I found Black Altar.

Black Altar is a black metal (duh) band from Poland. They’ve been kicking around in one form or another since 1998. If you guessed that their songs were all about being evil and spoopy, then you win the prize. The prize, of course, is a video breakdown.

0:08: Who wants a hug?!
0:12: And what’s the deal with airline food?
0:17: Needs more Bleeding Cowboy.
0:24: Guest appearances by musicians you actually know and enjoy.
0:49: Gimme a ‘T’!
0:52: I guess the ‘T’ stands for ‘Tummy”.
0:58: Someone shops at the spirituality store at the mall.
1:07: Try Olive Garden’s new Endless Worms bowl.
1:16: He’s a Level 7 Dork Wizard.
1:24: His special ability is eating a lot of cherry ices.
1:31: That necklace is just leftovers from a KFC bucket.
1:41: The final season of Game Of Thrones is getting weird.
1:53: Today I learned that Tophet is a term for Hell.
1:59: It was also a place in Jerusalem that was used for human sacrifices to Baal and Moloch.
2:06: I’ll just pretend that the band meant to call the song Toffee.
2:12: Aww, he’s so sleepy.
2:27: Quality cinematography.
2:36: You can practically feel the digital heat from those flames.
2:50: Gee, what are they trying to say with those giant inverted crucifixes?
2:59: Time for s’mores!
3:08: That’s one way to toast your marshmallows.
3:16: Seems like an overreaction to having some extra toasty marshmallows.
3:24: Man, these guys are going to put Olive Garden out of business.
3:29: Okay, who put googly eyes on this dude?
3:39: And who made him sniff copious amounts of glue before filming?
3:48: Just use a microwave for your marshmallows if it is such a big deal.
3:54: Even the filters have filters in this video.
4:05: That’s the sound of someone regretting going to Cracker Barrel.
4:11: “Urrrrrrrggghhhhhh country fried steak urrrrrrggggghhhhhh!”
4:22: I wonder what type of toothpaste he uses to get his eyes so white.
4:30: Who wants to play “7 Minutes In Hell”?
4:41: You must roll a 20 or higher to make this song good.
4:50: Yay! More Drummy Tummy!
4:56: You…you might want to have a doctor look at that.
5:05: When using a green screen is the least of your problems.
5:12: So do we think they got all these bones and skulls just for the video or they’re all part of his personal collection?
5:22: I’m guessing the latter.

Black Altar’s split with Beastcraft is out on November 30th via Odium Records.

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