Born Of Osiris – Illuminate: A Video Breakdown
Greenscreens. Greenscreens as far as the eye can see!
When you have an Egyptian god in your band name and you’re on a label called Sumerian Records, it makes sense that your music video would be all about those ancient civilizations. Unfortunately, Egypt may not be the best place to shoot a video, what with all the military coups, accidental murders of tourists, and terrorism. So what do you do if you’re Born of Osiris and you need a video for your song “Illuminate”? You bring Egypt to you. Of course, that’s really expensive, so what do you do if you’re Born of Osiris and are working on a budget? You green screen the ever-loving shit out of everything. It always works out. Always.
0:02: It’s like an interactive menu from a DVD circa 1998.
0:04: Sorry, Ben Carson. Even those pyramids aren’t filled with grain
0:10: The machines have become self-aware and are trying to glitch out this video to save us.
0:19: Come on, these are just recycled shots from Scorpion King 4. Yes, there’s a 4th one apparently.
0:26: What, no dinner first? Just straight to uncomfortably close vocals?
0:29: Sumericancore Merol Face.
0:32: Man, you can barely tell that he’s not in an architecturally impossible space pyramid.
0:37: These gods designed Ken dolls in their image. Completely dongless.
0:42: This video has more panning than Guy Fieri at a Caligula-themed orgy.
0:45: Sorry, no grooving while playing the keyboard. It’s a rule. I hope.
0:48: Lens flare has nothing on supernova flare.
0:50: Dude, was that the Flying Spaghetti Monster?
0:55: His noodley appendages are all over the place.
0:58: The vocalist has a serious dandruff problem.
1:07: So who exactly is projecting the band onto the walls?
1:12: That god has got some serious wiggle.
1:18: A little junk in the god trunk.
1:27: The “What’s the deal with airline food” pose is not very divine.
1:29: Starving aliens or deathcore fans? You decide.
1:35: It’s like someone accidentally left a container of Oreo crumbs next to a fan.
1:42: Can’t tell if video is really vain or…or…yeah, I’ve got nothing.
1:46: Now that is a Sumeriancore Face.
1:52: I appreciate that they included the instruments with their monoliths. It’s like they knew we’d have no clue who was who.
1:55: This video has more twists and turns than M. Night Shyamalan driving in NASCAR.
2:01: His noodliness knows no bounds.
2:04: Can I get a R’Amen?
2:06: “And what’s the deal with those little things on the end of your shoes?”
2:13: “Oh hai!”
2:20: How is there so much shaking in this video? It’s almost all digital!
2:24: Maybe the poor down-on-his-luck graphic designer who made this had a few too many Red Bulls.
2:31: They really have to do something about this floating Oreo crumbs problem. They’re going to get space ants.
2:37: It’s a full-blown noodle attack. Duck before you get a piece of linguine in your eye!
2:43: Born Of Osiris borrowed the cheesy flame effects from the Firespawn video.
2:51: Personal space isn’t brutal enough for this band.
2:57: Couldn’t they at least include some digital milk for these cookie bits?
3:01: Whoa, whoa whoa. This song is about love?
3:05: Psst. Your cracks are showing.
3:12: Born Of Osiris: Always twirling, twirling towards freedom!
3:16: You just know he bleeds Ragu.
3:23: So no one is going to address those little alien thingies forced to watch the band?
3:27: Insidious 4: This time it’s chuggity-chug.
3:32: Anubis? What about the old bis?
3:40: Thank you Anubis! Bless your sweet dog face.
3:48: That man is way too happy for someone being engulfed by a computerized sun.
3:54: It’s like an ancient alien field goal.
4:03: Seriously? Love? Does the band have the hots of Anubis?
4:08: What about Set or Horus?
4:10: I feel the same way.
4:16: You got that right.
4:21: I guess the video exceeded its “Crumbling” budget.
4:29: In a thousand years, an explorer will discover this temple and take funny pictures of himself humping the Born Of Osiris statues.
4:40: This concludes your Windows 98 point-and-click adventure game.