Dr. Mailmanbro or: How I Learned to Stop Shopping in Record Stores and Love Agoraphobia


You work like a dog. You take your pithy remuneration and fling some or all of it at the artists you love. The artists you love send you merchandise in return. The Mailmanbro brings the merchandise to your door. The merchandise brings you a sizable enough modicum of joy to power you through another day or week or month of working like a dog. Such is the cycle of need, which ends only in death. Without Mailmanbro, where would we be? Bothering the shit out of Recordstorebro by placing scads of special orders to obscure distros–that’s where.

You have sent me the hauls. I have gathered the hauls. These are the hauls, presented in the order in which I have presented them. Look upon them and feel the fires of righteous consumerism stoked within you. Look upon them as you gnash and weep and scream CRAP!

We begin with SEÑOR JEFE EL ROSS‘s haul. Convixion playing nice with Wrathblade, Catekeeper and a patch I can’t read because it hurts to tilt my head. This haul is true and it is pure and if you give it any sass it will eject you from the Hall. On second thought, avert your eyes: you are not worthy.

Next up, an utterly impure yet no less true haul hauled by Grumpy the Bear KARHU. Highlights (just the ones I recognize or can read) include Forteresse, the excellent Délétère, Inequity, Antediluvian, and a photo of a dead tree. (See if you can spot the guy who looks like he’ll sniff your barstool the second you vacate it.)

Not to be outhauled by some fuckin Bear God who is his own only devout follower, SWEETTOOTH0 bought everything on Earth–including Discharge, Cobra DeathSatyricon and the only Metallica album that is worth anyone’s money. Do I smell a Horror Film Battle Vest in the making? And did anyone else know they made more than 2 House movies?

The haul of HANS COPRONYM/MOLEMAN/MÜLLER/ËTC is but a speck of dust compared to the others so far–but we shall commend him for his restraint. (We shall also disparage him for neglecting to send dick pics like he promised.) Wormrot, Conan, Night Demon, oh my!! Extra points for a pretentious harmonious photographic composition, what with the lighting of the vinyl from behind. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh.

SLIPJACKTHEWANDERER keeps things nice and eclectic with some jaw-droppingly gorgeous vinyl from Mouth of the Architect, Gloson and the most metal synthpop band around: Future Islands. I’d keep my LPs in bed too if I had any.

Moving on, PAGLIACCI scorns Mailmanbro in favor of Festivalmerchtablemanbro with some band called Khemmis, a Panopticon shirt and split with Wheels Within Wheels, and some CD I can’t read but I’ll do my best: WKKELKJESSHTULTNCHT? Watch out for that Panopticon setlist on eBay in the coming months!

We can only assume that LACERTILIAN bought two shirts by the same band because youthful experiments with psychotropic substances have depleted his short term memory. Then again, his deceptively modest haul begs an essential question for the ages: Is it even possible to have enough Sinmara shirts?

He also bought this and asked me not to tell anyone but I’m going to tell all of you anyway because I am a loyal, gracious and discreet friend. BEHOLD THE FALSEHOOD!

Lastly, I present to you my haul: The Complete Works of the Inimitable Kiki Sire. A haul most digital; a haul most unholy. Fuck. I am so goddamn kvlt I don’t even know what to do with myself. Get on my level, punks.

That’s all for this month. Those of you who neglected to send in your hauls in time will never be permitted to participate again (you know who you are). Those of you who would like to join the Mailmanbro circle jerk should join the fuckin Toilet ov Hell Facebook Group and deposit your pictures in the correct fuckin thread in a timely fuckin manner and if possible you should split your haul into as many separate photos as possible because keeping track of them is not time-consuming in the least. Until next time, get out there and buy some shit!

(Image via)

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