Flush It Friday: Gulag Ugly Xmas Sweater Parties
In the case of The People vs. The Inventor of the Ugly Xmas Sweater, we find the defendant guilty as hell.
This evening, my wife and I will attend one of these trendy Ugly Christmas Sweater parties hosted by several other doctors from the University of North Carolina. This fact displeases me, not because I do not wish to attend a party (I do), but because Ugly Christmas Sweater parties are dumb. This is the true wasteful vice of our generation, and it must be stopped.
Don’t know what an Ugly Christmas Sweater party is? It’s literally a party where you’re expected to wear some ratty old sweater with some abominable design, like two reindeers copulating or a cubist rendering of St. Nicholas. That’s it. Supposedly these were born out of some sort of surplus of ugly Christmas sweaters, as if each and every one of us inherited some nasty hand-me-down from our parents from a time when people had less refinement and taste.
The problem is that we do not all have ugly Xmas sweaters. There is literally no other reason to own one than for these stupid parties; it’s a gaudy, tinsel-flavored ouroboros of stupidity dining on its own tacky holiday rump. Ugly Christmas sweaters are single use garments, as disposable as wedding rehearsal dinner dresses. You would not, I sincerely hope, ever wear one of these in public otherwise, even to Walmart at 3 am because you’re lonely and really need to eat your feelings over a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.
And yet, because there’s nothing people enjoy this time of year more than stupid, wasteful excess, f this stupid social trend, an entire cottage industry has sprung up to sell you an ugly Christmas sweater. Were your parents sophisticated professionals of taste and refinement? Well, you’re in luck! Now you can go to tipsyelves.com and buy an ugly sweater and pretend that you weren’t born into privilege and perpetuate this farcical approximation of poor child-rearing.
It’s excessive. It’s gaudy. And I simply won’t stand for it.
At least there will be wine.
Anyway, the floor is yours. Share with me your good, bad, and ugly.
Thank you for your continued patronage of this digital waste receptacle. We’ll catch you on the flipside.
