Happy Beasterday!
Ah, Easter. A truly magical time where we all get to celebrate the resurrection of our lord and savior as a giant rabbit man who lays eggs that will immediately rapture those who discover them hidden within the bushes… or something. Look, Easter has many different meanings to many different people, but one thing I think we can agree upon about this holiday is that it is criminally underrepresented in the wonderful horror subgenre of “holiday themed slashers.” Saint Patrick’s Day is represented better and all it has to show are the Leprechaun movies! Thankfully, someone out there is doing God’s work (ba-dum-tiss!) and giving us a rabbit themed murder opus: Beasterday
Judging by the description the plot is exactly the same as Jaws, just like every giant, killer animal movie that’s ever been filmed post-Jaws. I was initially excited to write about this movie because it looks absolutely atrocious, has a stellar tagline (Here Comes Peter Cottonhell!!!) and was available for free on Netflix. As my eternal lack of luck would have it, some cruel and power mad Netflix honcho decided to pull the movie ONE DAY BEFORE EASTER. My excitement quickly devolved into mild agitation at the idea of being inconvenienced in such a minute manner. I have to pay $5 for that tagline now! Alas, I am dedicated to this task and to bringing you all joy in a post about a killer rabbit, so with many regrets I clicked the rent button and started my journey. Could these regrets get any regrettier? Let’s find out.
Not even five minutes into the movie and we have a handful of old ball jokes and our first fatality, all while our killer makes some terrible stock dragon noises off camera. If I were to venture a guess I would say that this movie has roughly 1/5 the budget of the SciFi channel classic Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy. This could be rough. The film quickly cuts to a guy who probably owns a couple of necropants as he dresses himself in this order: baseball hat, t-shirt, jeans and then stuffs his pants with roughly a dozen socks. I am already dumber for having watched this film. It has been 6 minutes.
After a brief discussion between a woman and her father about… something, the movie brings us to someone who was probably on Rock of Love as she prepares for her day… ONLY TO BE ATTACKED BY THE BEAST. Lay your eyes upon our fearsome foe as he stalks his prey:
I had to make that extra large so you can appreciate all of the fine details of our murderous Easter Bunny. Please note the deer skull head and the chicken feet for front paws. Truly a jaw dropping force of sickening creativity. Wow. Amazing.
After a really strange dog catcher meeting where Necropants gets supremely jealous that his streak of “Dog Catcher of the Year” awards has come to an end, our beaster bunny steals several dozen carrots from a very busty lady before tearing her top off and chasing her solely so this movie can have naked, bouncing breasts. Obviously the entire point of this sequence is to have men focused on this young lady’s breasts, but I am much too distraught over the fact that our villain looks NOTHING like the cover of this movie promised he would. I have been lied to and it hurts. It hurts so bad. we continue on to some other pointless conversation between father and daughter that is only memorable for this golden bit of dialogue: “Daddy, I’m an artist! I’m a flower and I need you to water me with your wallet!” The next time you need money from your parents bust out this line. If it doesn’t work then Beasterday will give you your $5 back. You can’t lose!
I really thought we were at the tail end of the movie and that the father and daughter were going over all of the life lessons that we learned from this whole ordeal. No. We’re 20 minutes in and I have no idea why anything is happening. Why is this giant rabbit here? Why is Necropants such a creepy goon? IS IT EVEN EASTER? You have one hour to give me answers, Beasterday. You better deliver.
Nope. No answers. Just people skinny dipping IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS. Are we skinny dipping in poison ivy? In the middle of an ancient, fallen redwood? This movie is a far more confusing than Primer ever was. Our killer shows up again, this time not even cropped properly in frame as he kills our skinny dippers who never did manage to find any water at all. I think we might finally be getting to the story now as the mayor makes an appearance, only instead of being your typical mayor he’s every person who was rejected during casting for Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Someone please google that for me if this movie becomes the death of me. Thanks.
It’s been almost 20 minutes and I haven’t typed anything. I don’t really need to because this movie is the same 5 minutes repeating endlessly. Genital jokes are made, Necropants does something weird, there’s one line in regards to the story, then someone wanders into the woods and gets murdered by something that doesn’t look a rabbit at all. This movie would probably be awesome if it was 15 minutes long, but this is a life where fortune rarely smiles and we can never be granted what we wish for most. Maybe I should have chosen The Bunnyman Massacre…
Finally something new and unpredictable happens: The rabbit has laid an egg! It hatched! There are now two creatures that don’t look like rabbits! Can the budget possibly withstand the strain of two of these horribly imposed puppets? The answer to that is obviously “No. Are you high? No.” Look, I’m seriously running out of things to say here. This movie is painfully stupid, but a little bit better with alcohol. Is this why they don’t make any Easter horror movies? For fear that they all turn out like this? Well, at least Necropants finally put on his necropants so there’s that. For the sake of closure: They kill the beast by dressing Necropants up as a carrot to lure him into the city where he is gunned down by daughter with a shotgun. I guess there wasn’t a second rabbit? Or if there was he died offscreen and I missed it? Like everything else in this movie, I have no idea.
So what was the point of this? Well, obviously that your Easter could be so much worse. You could be wearing necropants, being assaulted by giant chicken bunnies or could have wasted $5 on a terrible, terrible movie. So go forth and enjoy your Easter, everyone! I hope it’s merry and spent away from work doing something you love, or that it is at least spent getting chocolate wasted and watching the scariest rabbit to ever grace a screen.
Is there an even worse Easter themed horror movie? Let me know in the comments so I can avoid it like the plague.
