Papa Roach Needs $$ and Possibly Snacks


Guys… guys. Get hyped. What if I told you that for a few measley dollars, you could relive the late 90’s NuMetal craze? Well GOOD FUCKING NEWS! This is as real as it gets!!

NuMetal darlings Papa Roach have a Pledge Music campaign! CELEBRATE, MY EARLY 2000 ANGSTY TEENAGE WHITE PEOPLE! You sad children who wanted so badly to like hip hop, but were too scared of black people to actually buy music, let alone attend shows with them, YES! You can now pledge your hard earned wads of cash to help create a new album! And since this is Pledge Music, and we have no idea how much money Papa Roach needs or how much they will raise with this campaign, there is an absolute 0% chance of humiliation if they don’t make enough money and have to go back on the road to play highway strip clubs to survive!

Relive the early 2000’s, when you could be sad and emotional but still be a hardcore bro in eyeliner. Remember the glory of driving your mom’s old Chevy Cavalier while blasting Scars and feeling things about the girl in math class. Do you still have your JNCOs and wallet chains? Bust that shit out! Hair gel? Smear it all over your receding hairline! Not only will you get some sweet ass new tunes, but for a mere $500 you can learn to write songs like Papa Roach!! Holy shit, what a deal!! Can you imagine having the incredible songwriting skills that these rap/rockers have? Being able to switch between emo whine-singing and suburban white bro rap?

Did I mention that they did a track with Maria Brink?! Yes, THAT Maria Brink!

Well I personally can’t contain my excitement for any longer. Not only will I be throwing one thousand clams so that I can play soccer with them (SERIOUSLY, SOCCER!), I will also sell one of my kidneys because I need the $750 sweat-stained vest worn by Jacoby himself. You know what? Fuck it, I’m going to sell all my shit so I can pay $75,000 for a private acoustic show! Because why live if you can’t endure an entire hour’s worth of acoustic music played by the one and only Papa Roach?

Why live, guys?

Why live?

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