Pedal Stains: The Pussy Melter

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It’s expensive, unneeded, and incredibly stupid. It’s perfect for Steel Panther fans.

“We respect and love the freedom of speech afforded to all citizens in the U.S. We support the right for all people to express themselves no matter where they are in the world. We welcome all races, genders and sexual orientations at our shows — shows that celebrate everyone’s individuality through partying, and of course a love of heavy metal.”

So says Steel Panther guitarist Russ “Satchel” Parrish in the sales copy for his signature guitar pedal, The Pussy Melter. It’s a joke, of course, and Steel Panther is in on it. Songs like “Handicapped Slut” and “Asian Hooker” prove Steel Panther’s commitment to celebrating individuality and lyrics like “50 Cent’s a fag, so is Kanye West” display their level of respect for all races and sexual orientations.

Last month the band generated controversy when TC Electronic announced they would be releasing the aforementioned Pussy Melter guitar pedal. Several female artists objected to the sexist copy associated with the product and TC Electronic, realizing they also sell musical equipment to women, decided to rename the product before it was eventually cancelled and a third rate pedal company signed on to produce it instead. This was a tremendous victory for Steel Panther.

The band revels in the attention they get from triggering the SJWs. It allows them to raise their own profile while giving their fans reason to tilt at the windmill of political correctness, patting themselves on the back for proudly defending freedom of speech while throwing slurs at women on social media. No doubt the Pussy Melter, available for pre-order right now, will sell a huge number of units.

More high-quality Steel Panther merch

But instead of discussing the controversy generated by the pedal, or the overall knuckle dragging stupidity of Steel Panther, a glam metal revival act that sells misogyny packaged in a loose veneer of parody, let’s talk about the pedal itself. What of this Pussy Melter?

We will assume that you are a guitarist that loves Steel Panther. Let’s also ignore for a moment that primary and second-hand markets are absolutely choked to death with a wide variety of quality boutique distortion pedals  that can give your playing a unique tone. You have only one thing in your mind. You, dear reader, simply must achieve that Steel Panther tone.

It would be easy, perhaps even fun, to make fun of you, hypothetical Steel Panther superfan. But I will not waste our time with observations like:

  • You have a Blue Lives Matter sticker on your truck despite having been arrested for multiple DUIs.
  • You’ve been banned from every Hooters, Tilted Kilt, Twin Peaks, Outback Steakhouse, and Chick Fil-A in your hometown for demanding your waitress, “dump ’em out”.
  • You voted for Trump based on his campaign promise to make your BITCH of an ex-wife Cheryl just come back to you again… Just come back baby, I promise we’ll make it work. I’ll quit hanging out by the junior high and asking students if they wanna party like it’s 1987.
  • Your favorite band is Steel Panther.

We simply don’t have time to waste on such things. Instead, let’s focus on getting you that tone you crave.

Based on Satchel’s demonstration video in which he plays the Pussy Melter through a high gain tube amp, the pedal sounds nearly identical to a BOSS DS-1 played through a high gain tube amp. You could purchase a DS-1 through any music store in the nation for $50 brand new, plug it into your high gain tube amp and get that one-of-a-kind Steel Panther sound.

But perhaps a standard DS-1 is too basic for your sophisticated needs. Customize your DS-1 with a Robert Keeley mod kit to make that mass-market pedal sound just like a high-end boutique product. It costs about $20 and a couple hours of your time. Sure, you won’t have the word “PUSSY” printed on your pedal board, but for a few bucks extra you can purchase a label maker, type out the word, and slap it on the middle of the device. Additionally, you can print out any number of naughty words with your label maker. Go ahead and label the tone knob with “COOZE”. Your level knob with “CUNT”. Your distortion knob with “I DON’T LIKE WOMEN VERY MUCH”. Overall, you would save about $120 by going this route instead of purchasing the Pussy Melter. Use those savings towards paying your fucking child support, Kevin.

The Pussy Melter is available for pre-order now on Steel Panther’s website. Pick it up here.

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