Recipes To Unite Alpha Chuds & Soyboy Cux

September 27, 2018

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Taste humility, you fuck.

Whether you like to eat your high tea or beat it to high T, there’s one thing both you alpha chuds and soy-boy cucks can use more of – vegetables. Now I’m no dietician, and neither are you, in fact, there’s no such thing. Which means I’m perfectly qualified to tell you that pretty much any amount of meat in your diet is probably enough, but I bet you could eat more vegetables. No, seriously, I mean like a dare. I dare you to eat more vegetables you gutless wimp. Stuff your craven face holes full of brassica. You won’t.

Now none of these recipes offer anything super fancy or even particularly new. But what they do offer are a few really simple alternatives that will aim to increase your vitamin intake or help with the transition into a healthier diet*. Here are a few easy substitutions I’ve been running for the past few years which have simultanouesly increased our household vegetable consumption and allowed me to continue eating multiple desserts a night without ballooning beyond being merely buoyant into some sort of hideous Hindenburgian health hazard.

Cauliflower Rice

On its own, cauliflower is pretty bland, however with a couple of minor additions this rice substitute is easy as hell and super versatile. The basic method is always the same:

Grab a head of cauliflower and cut into florets.
Chop it up in a food processor/blend until it resembles rice-sized grains.
Chuck it in a microwave-safe container with a dash of water and cook for about 4-5 minutes (1200W).

Some people say the cauliflower has sufficient water embodied to do the job but I prefer putting a bit extra in, and the added health benefits of using raw water are perfect for this. If you don’t live in a futuristic Silicon Valley earth-ship or the outskirts of Dhaka, you probably won’t have access to delicious raw water. But to make a substitute at home, what you can do is take a vessel of boiled tap water, add one cup of toilet water, a shovel’s worth of organic detritus, and leave it in the sun for 6 days.

So that’s the basic method, but unless your fave band from the Big 4 was Anthrax, you’ll want to add some additional flavour. So what you should do is pick a meal-appropriate taste addition and add it between steps 2 and 3 to infuse into the cauliflower.

We typically cook a lot of Thai food, so my go-to manipulation of this predominantly involves using coconut. I’ll add a cup or two of dessicated coconut into the processor, along with a drop or two of coconut essence pre-microwaving. You could probably use coconut cream or something if you like. I’ll never find out if you shut the fuck up about it. Here’s an unnecessary photo of a dish I made with it a year or so ago –

Indonesian Tamarind Curry Tiger Prawns w/ Cauliflower & Coconut ‘Rice’

Another easy addition is to tip in some lime-juice and/or lime zest pre-microwaving. Or just cut the lime in half and throw it in with the mix, you lazy piece of shit. I like to use a few Backhousia citriodora leaves in there too, but aside from the fact you probably don’t grow your own Lemon Myrtle trees, you’re probably not a wanker, so just stick with the lime. It’s almost as good.

If you’re into spicy sub-continent food, you could run pretty much any sort of spice mix or garlic through the stock cauliflower rice recipe and it would shine through. Rather than remind you that the act of CRUSHING CARDAMOM IN A MORTAR & PESTLE IS MORE EROTICALLY PLEASING THAN FOREPLAY, I’ll link you to Vlad’s comprehensive spice post from a last year and you can pick and choose a profile from there. There are untold combinations of situations where this quasi-rice will work. Give it a go. Here’s another example you could try if pearl couscous is illegal in your state –

Moroccan-spiced Roo Casserole w/ Coriander Cauliflower ‘Rice’

Zucchini Fettuccine

Chicken cacciatore

Even if, rather than pasta, the first thing you think of are those two Italian construction workers who were incapable of talking below 88 dB during your lunch break when hearing the words Al Dente and Rigger Tony, you’ll be able to manage this spaghetti substititute. Actually it’s more akin to fettuccine, but it’s not made from grain so you can call it whatever you want I suppose. Anything except “Corey”. Stop calling things Corey. Anyway, this one is easy as fuck, too.

Select a long, straight (and prefereably thicc) zucchini. Basically pick the one that looks least like your malformed dong.
Peel the zucc, working your way around the shaft evenly by turning it in your hand. If you have one, you can use a mandolin for this. If not, you get to keep the majority of the skin on your hands.
Blanche or steam with hot water for 3 minutes, or just add the zucchini fettuccine to your cooking dish to warm through.

Bean Burgers

Another easy substitute I’ve been fucking around with is swapping out beef/roo mince for all different types of bean for a meat-free burger alternative. Once again, this isn’t something particularly new or original but I thought I’d share my one in here too. You can use essentially any beans you like; my go-to lately has been half pinto or red kidney beans and half black beans. Shit’s super simple. You can also embrace your cognitive dissonance and be a total dickhead like me by topping your bean burger with bacon (as depicted above).

Rinse and drain 2 x 400g (14oz) cans of beans.
Whisk an egg in a bowl (optional if you’re a vegan) with a dash or Worcestershire sauce.
Add thyme, rosemary, smoked paprika, and black pepper (to taste).
Blend all ingredients + 1 small onion + 2 cloves of garlic into a food processor with 1 cup of breadcrumbs.
If the mix seems a bit sloppy still, add more breadcrumbs until it forms stable patties.
And most importantly, don’t fucken @ me if you don’t like any of this.