Riff Of The Week: USSR Edition


привел B вы от Google Translate – “Когда вам это нужно быстро, не правильно!“.

Last week we were massively spoiled for choice in our 3rd Birthday Celebration round extravaganza. Pretty sure there’s some kind of psychoanalytic behavioural theory nerd shit behind the results. When confronted with so many choices, the majority of subjects will tend to opt for the first offered or something along those lines? The “Ugh. Whatever. Fuck it” theory? No matter the answer, in the end Carcass blew out the opposition’s candles, pretended to enjoy all the shitty presents, then proceeded to use the cake knife to remove the ear lobes of the 11 people who intrusively took photos of them while they were eating. So uhh…well done Dougie boy, you’ve won a free hour of aimlessly perusing a Wikipedia topic of your choice.

This week we went back to the USSR and scored some siqq Slavic riffs. There might not be as many submissions as last week but what we did get is an overproof batch of pure triple distilled quality. Did you really think you were going to read this without a token vodka reference? Hahah, you кретин верблюд. You глупый глупый мутный кретин верблюд. Remember to use the PROMO CODE PLINTH to go into the draw to win a sack of Petrov’s Pre-Fermented Potatoes™, now guaranteed to be 86% eyeless or your rubles back! Here are the riffs…


Vlad Tepes – “Trooper” (Riff @ 0:00)

If I can send a Romanian riff, then, by God, I will send the most Romanian riff that there is.


1914 – “Stoßtrup 1917” (Riff @ 0:00)

Sometimes I like growling, mid-tempo riffs. You should too. Ukraine’s resident WW1-centric doom-lords 1914 have got it covered. Nasty riff @0:00. Do I get good-boy points for a song about the war that birthed the USSR?


Круиз – “Possessed” (Riff @ 1:05)

Amidst a haul of second-hand CDs, my brother brought home this obscure af 90s alternative rock album by a band called Karma one day. Years later, I did some research on the web (there’s still no trace of the album on Youtube, and the band name doesn’t make for an easy Google search), and it turned out the guitarist on this thing, Val Gaina, had also played in a Russian metal band, which is how I learned about Kruiz (sometimes transcribed as Cruise, apparently). It was a bit of a surprise, given that Karma was (aptly) “described as a cross between the Stone Temple Pilots and Red Hot Chili Peppers“, but this whole album rips pretty hard, and the (sort of) closer is no exception. After an excellent intro, shit gets crazy at 1:05.


Eximperituserqethhzebibšiptugakkathšulweliarzaxułum – “Pierasiakajučy Swiatlieńnie J Zmrok Dziewiaci Miraŭ Spustašęnnia Čatyroch Wymiaręńniaŭ Času J Prastoru, Spiralliu Skroź Niewiadomuju Biaskoncasć Daliokaha Kosmasu Prazrystaje Sonca Wosieni Zachodzić U Zienit Astraĺnaj Prajekcyi Kručęńnia Transcęndęntaĺnych Staŭpoŭ Swojeasabliwaści Płoskaści Analizu Niepachisnaści Iściny” (Riff @ 2:30)

Apparently in English it translates to: Crossing the Shining and the Gloom of Nine Worlds of Desolation of Four Dimensions of Time and Space, Spiraling Thru the Unknown Infinity of Distant Space Transparent Sun is Approaching the Vertex of Astral Projection of Rotation of Transcendental Columns of Peculiarity of Fatness of Verity Inexorability Analysis.
Don’t be off put by these Belorussians’ intentional pretentiousness; their incomprehensible name and song/album titles are an absolute gimmick, but these guys can shred. For evidence, take the riff at 2:30 (really gets going at 2:42) from the first track of their 2013 demo.

Howard Dean

Pseudogod – “Malignant Spears”  (Riff @ 1:07)

God-tier death metal from the cold heart of Mother Russia. This album is probably one of the 10 best death metal albums released since 1994. That’s a bold statement, I know, but these slav bastards back it up with some of the best and most brutal Azagthoth riffs this side of Covenant. The ‘banger starts at 1:07. Enjoy, motherfuckers.


t.A.T.u. – “All The Things She Said” (Riff @ 0:33)

Mother Russia’s premier lesbian extreme metal export. The bass riff @ 0:33 is pretty cool. This song is heavier than Zangief, deadlier than Revolver Ocelot, and more intense than Zola The Destroya.


Leprous Vortex Sun – “III. Казнь” (Riff @ 0:00)

These Belarusian lunatics are that special kind of weird. Their avant-garde mix is as difficult to describe as their song titles. Imagine if Lorn, Behold…The Arctopus, and Deathspell Omega decided to pool a week’s worth of their respective meds and play lucky-dip. Then scream in some East Slavic dialect while repeatedly puncturing your knee-caps with a rusted screw-driver. Your car is also on fire in the background. The acrid chemical fumes you’re inhaling as you gasp for air is what the riff @ 0:00 tastes like. Mmmmmm….tetrachlorodibenzodioxins.

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Next week’s theme is FIRE. Send us flaming hot riffs from tracks that have some kind of fire reference in their title. Email your entries to toiletovhellriff@gmail.com including your screen-name, and a short description (+ time-stamp) by Friday.

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