Shirt Stains: Slam In The Back Of My Demonic Hot Rod 90s Tee
Do it, recently born child! Do it, recently born child!
Since the never-ending pain of existing in interesting times continues unabated, a lot of people have been feeling very nostalgic. Re-watching old cartoons that made us happy, enjoying old snacks that are now back on the market, and, of course, listening to music from our youth. A little hit of middle school and high school hits to make us feel something other than crushing, existential dread. That would certainly explain the popularity of that We Were Young emo fest and their high ticket prices. A day of fun and singing along to your favorite tunes from when you were 15 and still full of hope and energy. I absolutely get it. We all need it.
Metal is steeped in nostalgia, especially now as more countries and venues open up. Lots of older acts playing and headlining fests. Hellfest has about a bazillion bands of all styles, both young and old. Limp Bizkit had their moment last year for some reason. Slipknot and Korn are both doing headlining arena tours. Even Rob Zombie has been creeping back into the scene.
Despite his focus on making movies and The Munsters, it may come as news to some of you that he released a new album in 2021. And it was on Nuclear Blast. Go figure. That being said, 1998’s Hellbilly Deluxe remains his biggest solo album to date and “Dragula” its biggest hit. It’s to the point where it’s become a meme, with the lyrics showing up in all sorts of funny and ironic situations. It only makes sense that we’d get a new Dragula shirt to capitalize on internet jokes and an aging fanbase in need of new clothes.
Yeeeeesh. There’s a lot going on here and it’s all bad. The Flamin’ Hot fire graphics. The pentagram on one sleeve, the Rob Zombie name on the other. The slightly tilted, a bit off center Rob Zombie logo on the chest with his signature underneath it. The disapproving look Robert Zombert is giving you from the background. The hellish hooptie that looks like it should be in a Denny’s parking lot on Hot Rod Nite. Are those wheels or hockey pucks? Do the skulls also serve as headlights? Why do I hear psychobilly blasting over the speakers and smell pomade even though this is a t-shirt?
You wanted nostalgia and this screams ’90s. Does it come with an 8 Ball sticker and Butterfinger BB’s? This looks like Ed Hardy and Godsmack had an ugly skull-baby. This is the complimentary shirt they give you when you choke to death on scotch eggs at the Tilted Kilt. 1998 called and it said you should have more dignity. If you put this on, it immediately tucks into your belted jean shorts.
Ugh. I need a pick-me-up. C’mon. Let’s all sing it together.
Dig through the ditches
And burn through the witches
I slam in the back of my…
I’m sorry. My what? Demonic Hot Rod 90’s Tee? It’s Dragula. Dragula! We all know it’s Dragula. Sigh. I guess we shouldn’t expect much. This is clearly one of those Facebook mashup shirts that are directly marketed to you because you like metal. They’re obviously just skirting around using the word ‘Dragula’ to avoid some sort of IP detection while they bilk unsuspecting dads out of their money. Got to get that Rub Zumbue money somehow. Might as well say “Never underestimate a man that loves his wife who was born in October and DEAD I AM THE DOG HOUND OF HELL YOU CRY DEVIL ON YOUR BACK I CAN NEVER DIE”.
Wait, this demonoid phenomenon is on Rob Zombie’s official store website?
And it’s $60 plus shipping?! What the heck, Rib Zimboe? Do you not own the rights to using the word ‘Dragula’? Is there some greedy fat cat record executive doing donuts in a Rolls Royce Cullinan with $100 bills flying out the window while Dragula blasts over the radio? Hopefully the Munsters or whatever horror movie co-starring Sherri Moon Zombie Rob puts out next next is a huge success so he can get Dragula back. Do it for the kids and the adults desperately clinging onto the last shreds of youth like me. #FreeDragula.