Shirt Stains: Bret Michaels Has Baggage


Talk luggage to me.

Bret Michaels isn’t just the former singer for Poison. He’s not just a cast member from the most popular season of Celebrity Apprentice. He’s not just the man from VH1’s “Rock Of Love” who played tonsil rugby with a bevy of skanks for 3 (!) seasons. No, no. Bret Michaels is an entrepreneur. While some bands and musicians are happy just putting their name on a bottle of hot sauce or some coffee, Bret Michaels goes the extra mile. For whatever reason, Bret Michaels now has his own luggage line.




The man who sang such modern poetry as “Unskinny Bop” now has an exclusive deal with to sell his line of rolling suitcases and bags. You hear that You’re completely fucked now. Overstock got you beat and now all you have to sell is plastic bags with Danger Danger‘s face on it.

That Bret Michaels/Overstock joint page is something. I’m not exactly sure what to make of it, really. Are they just selling stuff that Bret Michaels likes? Was he cleaning out his rumpus room and forced Overstock to sell it as part of this deal? Is the site trying to pawn off his decades-of-jizz encrusted furniture and clothes?

Why are their videos of Bret Michaels barbecuing? Why does he flip a burger into the void? Is it to feed the hellspawn that he sold his soul to in order to stay in the public eye?” RAKSHASA DEMANDS POTATO SALAD WITH HIS BURGER, MICHAELS! DO NOT SKIMP ON THE KETCHUP LEST YOU FEEL THE WRATH OF BRAHMA’S BREATH! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

The best part about this is that Michaels has been “working personally with to develop branded products.” I’d like to believe Michaels sits at an art easel, rubbing his exposed brain beneath his ever-present bandana, trying to decide just what color the flames on his luggage should be. “Red? Orange? Silver! That’s it! Michaels, you’ve done it again! I’ll take my usual bag of crumpled up $1’s and coupons for Triscuits, please.”

As far as the bags themselves go, there’s really not much to say. They’re fine, I guess. As long as they don’t smell like “Oldies Night” at the Mud Flapz, saddest strip club in all of the Ozarks, then that’s good enough. All sorts of people travel, and if this helps them contain their bits and pieces while getting from point A to point B, then good. And if C.C. Deville now has a new pillow to use, then that’s good too.

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