You’re Going Straight To Mail


Well howdy there flushers. Today we’re gonna try something new and if you don’t like it you can go straight to mail hell. You can go to hell.

It’s Friday and if you’re anything like me, you’re exhausted and desperate for a beer and a nap. I thought it would be a fun idea to ask some of our friends what questions were on their minds and have the dummies that write for this site try to answer them. Do you want to ask these dummies a question? Send it in an email to with the subject line “Question”. Let’s get to it.


How do I find a girlfriend that likes the music I do without being that weird guy who hits on women at shows? – Tyler

Masterlord SteelDragon – Look, let’s be realistic. Finding a decent human being who listens to metal is like winning the lottery. Look around; we are all awful, awful people. Make it a girl and your odds are like winning the lottery while being struck by lightning twice. Trying to pick up chicks at metal shows rarely yields results. Here’s why. Most of the time they’re with their boyfriends or husbands and/or (usually and) they’re totally gross. Plus, you come off as a cock. A more pragmatic solution: find a girl you connect with who doesn’t mind that you listen to metal, and maybe you’ll eventually rub off on her (hehehe). If not, that’s okay! She likes you anyway.

Stockhausen – Oh, this one is super easy. Next time you’re at a show, simply go up to a girl and get, like, RIGHT next to her. The sweatier you are, the better. Lean in her ear and yell (because shows are loud) “DID YOU SAY YOU WANT TO CROWD SURF?” Girls will invariably say no, and then you yell “DID YOU SAY GO? OK.” Then start trying to lift her up. You should have your shirt off at this point, because it’s a show and you’ve been in the pit. She’ll freak out, but then you explain the misunderstanding while flexing, and then everyone has a good laugh, and then you’ll be dating all hardcore.


How can I get my cat to stop shedding so much? – Bethany

Edward Meehan – I’m catsitting a cat for a family friend with the option to keep him. Love the little guy, except he’s pulling up my berber carpet. I cut his nails frequently, we’ve tried capping his claws with those little plastic caps, nothing is helping. When I catch him doing it I chase him all over my condo and squirt his face with water. He hates it! I give him three or four good squirts with water. It isn’t helping. He has a scratching post here that he completely ignores, little dude just figures the whole place is his scratching post. Can any of you guys tell me how to get him to stop pulling up my carpet? Pls respond, lms if you love your cat.
Christian Molenaar – Regularly brushing and bathing your feline friend will work wonders to remove excess fur. Additionally, look for a cat food high in Omega-3 and Omega-6 fatty acids, which are good for the skin. Fish oil is a good source, and if you’re a human who wants clearer skin and stronger teeth, hair and nails, you, too, can pick up fish oil capsules at Rite-Aid or whatever. If none of these work, take your cat to the vet, and if it turns out the shedding is not a symptom of illness, screw it; just shave him.


Why do people insist on leaving stickers and price tags on their hats? – Eddie

Paris Hilton – People keep the stickers and tags on their hats for the opposite reason that you remove the price sticker from a Christmas gift that you bought for your girlfriend on December 24th at a 7/11. They want everyone within their sight to know how much they spent on their hats. People like to show off signs of wealth, even if they aren’t accurate to their bank statements. It’s a foolish and petty practice, much like those entitled, rich, white suburb kids that get chrome, dual exhaust, lift kits, and racks for their trucks in the city. The only thing they are accomplishing is saying, “Look at how much money I can spend on my vehicle.” The same concept applies, the only difference is leaving the stickers on hats is slightly less obnoxious.

MoshOff – I think it’s really obvious: Obama contaminated the water supply with a drug specifically created to make hat wearers want to leave the tags and stickers on. The stickers are really transceivers that allow the NSA to read their minds and send all relevant information to the Illuminati. The Illuminati then read through the information in order to find ways to implant the need to buy more hats in these hat wearers, keeping the brouroboros of capitalism capitalism rolling for ever.


What is the best place in the US to live and why? (I’m interested in taking USMLE exams in a near future) – Renan

Steve Smithwick – The glory of New England is self-evident. The New England region is responsible for the very existence of the United States- defeating the British on multiple occasions, not to mention the ungrateful upstart wretches that comprised the Confederacy. No region of the U.S. has a more rich and diverse history or culture. With regards to metal, no place in this country is more metal than New England. New England is a major concert destination, with cities like Worcester, Boston, Providence and Hartford being routine stops for most bands. The weather is even more metal- nothing is more menacing or bleak than a cold, cloudy, snowy New England winter’s day. The sun sets as early as 4:00 P.M. at daylight’s nadir. Your bones and joints will ache. The elements are no different than those found in Scandinavia, oft recognized as the heart of the metal world. Something about a desolate cold, experienced 6 months at a time will harden your soul. New England is not for lifelovers. New England is for survivors.
Besides, the rest of the U.S. blows. The west coast and Hawaii, while moderately attractive areas, are prohibitively expensive. Alaska is basically Canada West with fewer people and less culture. The South has many of the worst-rated schools at the state level in the country, remaining ever the den of vile iniquity. New York is blighted by the NYPD. Washington DC houses Congress. Do you really want to go to any of these places? Nah. Prove your toughness. Drink mead fireside, tell old man winter to kiss your ass and head NorthEast. Your life will improve for it. (did you notice which large region of the U.S. I didn’t bother to criticize or even name? Good. I treated it with all the consideration it deserves 😉 )

Joe Thrashnkill – Fuck Steve.

Edward Meehan:


Can you find the center of the radius of this circle and sketch its graph? (x-3)^2 + y^2 = 16. – Tyler

Joe Thrashnkill – No.

Christian Molenaar – I’m assuming you mean “find the center and the radius of the circle,” which are (3, 0) and 4, respectively. As far as a graph:


Math is the absolute antithesis of lifeloving.


Why does a person listen to metal? To the untrained ear, it’s ugly and abrasive. there’s gotta be a reason we all got into it. A reason why we continue to listen to this music that people generally don’t understand, that’s not generally accepted in society. – Dustin

Paris Hilton – If you’re anything like me, you started listening to metal between the ages of 13-15. I started as many of you did; with Slayer, Metallica and Megadeth and then it gradually got heavier. The first Death Metal tune I listed to was “Where The Slime Lives” (the drumming in that song though!) and I was hooked! In my area, everyone listens to buttfucking Top 40 Country Music, and I wanted my own identity, something to separate myself. Many teenagers are the same way, seeking a new identify from their parents. It’s natural, your children will do the exact same thing. I wasn’t a loser then, believe it or not I was the class clown! But I always was sort of a loner that jumped from clique to clique, and metal helped me form connections with people that others wouldn’t have given the time of day to. My journey into metal was also fueled by being an awkward teenager and an elite athlete simultaneously. While my class mates were partying, drinking, and having sex I was cutting weight, training, lifting, eating, and sleeping; that’s still my life today, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Metal seemed like the only genre of music that was intense enough to match my lifestyle.

Stockhausen – Oh, this one is super easy. A long time ago, when wizards were still around, there was this wizard named DioMar Schuldinath. He was mixing together some wizard things and stirring them with a wizard stick, but he put too much of one wizard thing in there. Long story short, it spilled on him and he started hitting ancient wizard drums faster when other wizards were hitting them slower. He got kicked out of the wizard town for it, but this one super hot lady followed him because she secretly liked the faster wizard drum thing. They got it on, and we are all their descendants.


How do you explain you listen to metal to non-metal listeners? – Jordan

Howard Dean – With irrational violence.


If you could change one thing about you (be it a personality trait, a behavior, appearence, whatever) what would it be? – Tom

Guacamole Jim – I would change every single hair on my body to be made of grass, from the longest pube to the shortest microscopic strand. Thick, lovely, green grass. That way when my enemies come for me I could just run outside, throw myself on the lawn, and never be seen.

Joe Thrashnkill – I would be born to fabulously wealthy parents. Barring that, I would be born preternaturally gifted at baseball.

Christian Molenaar – Everything.



Dear Black Metal Bro,
How do you reconcile the demands of both nature/ frostbitten pagan glory and coal rolling ’til the day you die, toss me a Natty Light bro? – Josh

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