Shirt Stains: De Mysteriis Dress Sathanas

Mayhem's Euronymous at Fashion Week 2023

I was also on my way to dress Euronymous.

Shirts, hoodies, jackets, hats, pants, shorts. All that band merch has been done before. What you need is something bold. Something that can go from the sandy beaches to an elegant nightclub. Something that says “I am elegant. I am beautiful. I am grim and kvlt.” But where can I find such an item?

Surely, there’s no band out there that can let me walk the runway while staying trve. You’d be right, but “luckily” there’s Redbubble. Yes, they rip off artists, sellers, and buyers, but occasionally the stars align and Redbubble gives us pure gold like this Euronymous dress.

Euronymous of Mayhem bootleg dress

Oh, yeah. That’s the good stuff. Poorly photoshopped, artifacting, and pixalated as hell on what looks like moomoo. This has to be bot-generated because my brain can’t handle an actual human being making this happen. It’s just not possible. I refuse to believe it could be done. This dress is ugly as fuck and it will probably give you a rash if you wear it. You’ll either be swimming in it or you’ll get some midriff inception with your Eurony-tummy.


Euronymous dress on Redbubble

I know she’s not actually wearing this, but I still feel bad for the model. The dress is somehow worse in this picture. It’s like Euronymous has been drinking Brain and Nerve Tonic like Ken Griffey Jr. when he joined the Springfield nuclear power plant softball team. Big Head Mode activated. His expression says “Mom said it’s my turn to play XBox.” Varg is probably seething with jealousy.

Festival season is here. Maryland Deathfest is a year away. Do you want to be like every other smelly bastard wearing sweat-and-beer-soaked vests and generic black band shirt #2? Or do you want to be a fashion icon, sashaying across the mosh pit in haute coutre?  All I’m saying is there is plenty of time for you to get your very own bootleg Euronymous dress. And it’s on sale. Work it, girl!

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