Shirt Stains: Five Finger Death Punch Celebrates 250 Years Of America *gun loading noises*
Did you know that Five Finger Death Punch love America? It’s true! They get up at dawn every morning to raise the flag outside their mansions and pledge allegiance to this great country that has given them so much success despite, well, everything. Some (most) would call this a cynical, money-grabbing ploy that has boosted a mediocre nu-metal band to stardom. While that may be true (it is), the band has dug deep into this red, white, and blue well.
They have gone out of their way to praise police and the military, donating money to various causes, and even slipping in a little “Hut! Hut! Hoorah!” jargon into their songs. It’s to the point where people even think one or some of the members are veterans. They’re not. At least not the US military. Maybe Hungary. Hard to tell.
Either way, they love their freedom and liberty and guns. Oh, and they hate wearing masks during a pandemic because it’s not what Thomas Jefferson would have wanted or some bullshit. Remember that? I do! And what better way to celebrate the 250th birthday of the United States (and the pursuit of easy money) than with some FFDP merch just in time for the 4th of July!
Right. Of course, this is what Five Finger Death Punch merchandise honoring 250 Years of America would look like; Big stupid logo, the flag, some big, dumb eagle, the Statue of Liberty, and the Liberty Bell. Just generic ‘Murica symbolism. Surprised they didn’t cram in Mt. Rushmore, the Alamo, and a Monster Energy Drink can. Of course, there’s guns on it. Always with the guns. Hell, if Zoltan Bathory could replace vocalist Ivan Moody with some sort of tattooed mannequin made of AR-15s, he probably would. As an aside, isn’t it wear to buy a flag with other flags printed on it? Does that violate the US Flag Code?
It’s all very big, dumb, and loud, so it’s perfect for your average Knucklehead (their word, not mine). Nothing compliments loud explosion sounds quite like an image-vomit shirt from a band on the decline. Drinking some Natty lights, gobbling down some Ballpark Franks, and getting second-degree sunburns because sunscreen is for liberal cowards, thank you very much Mr. RFK Kennedy Jr? Have we got some try-hard Facebook-ass band shirts for you! But you have to order quick. Supplies are limited! They definitely won’t end up on Rockabilia in a few weeks!
What an amazing metaphor for where our country is at right now. At least I won’t be around for the 300th anniversary.
