Shirt Stains: Game of Bros

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I mosh and I know things.

You were told. You were warned. You saw the signs. You knew this day would come and still you did nothing. A few months back, I told you, nay, warned you that Bring Me The Horizon frontman and Milli Vanilli cosplayer Oli Sykes was going to release Game Of Thrones-inspired clothing via his company, Drop Dead Clothing. Well, the prophecy has been fulfilled, my friends. As of this very moment, you can now purchase clothes from a TV show made by some guy in a band. I know, I know. Try to contain your overwhelming glee and overall confusion.

What exactly are Oli’s qualifications to do this other than being in a semi-popular band and occasionally wearing clothes? Doing guest vocals for Deez Nutz? Pulling a dumb Youtube prank with the singer from Architects, causing him to receive death threats from BMTH fans? I suppose more has been done with less. Judging from the original clothing he sells, I would guess a lot less. Hold on to your dragons.

Is this ironic? Post-ironic? Post-post-ironic? Did Oli scan threw hundreds of wolf shirts on Amazon just trying to find the perfect design? Is he hoping to get some of those sweet, sweet reviews and go viral? If you showed me this on Facebook, I’d think it was one of those fly-by-night bootlegs. All that’s missing is some text saying “Never Underestimate A Man That Likes Game Of Thrones That Was Born In March And Also Just Gave His Credit Card Information To A Shady Third Party”. Specific, I know, but true.

This doesn’t really seem to convey much about the show. Yes, there are dire wolves and yes there’s snow, but that doesn’t seem like it’s enough to make a £50 shirt. Also, I don’t recall half-ass tie-dye being part of the show. If they can’t get rid of these, they can always just slap on the Sonata Arctica logo and try again. Those guys love tie-dye and wolves.

Kobra Kai, do or die! Nothing says “Game Of Thrones” like a design that was lifted straight from a menu at a Chinese takeout place. What an impressively misguided design. Was Oli five minutes away from the deadline and just needed something with dragons on it? Here’s the quote from the site:

Black Fire and Blood girls fit Bomber Jacket. The Bomber Jacket has a velour texture to the body along with embroidered designs to the front, back and sleeves. The embroidered designs are inspired by the iconic Dragons in Game of Thrones in a traditional Japanese style. The Fire and Blood Bomber Jacket is exclusive to the Drop Dead X Game of Thrones capsule collection

Sure, he could have lifted an image from Dungeons & Dragons or Pete’s Dragon, but that would have been too obvious. Gotta pick something that will throw people off the trail. I know! Let’s use some Japanese-style dragons for some reason! People will be too mad about cultural appropriation to realize that this makes no sense and looks like it’s a size Extra Smedium!

Now is your chance to be a walking billboard for multiple brands and be awkwardly uncomfortable. I don’t really have much to say about this other than it’s stupid, it’s ugly, and I don’t like it. Oh, and it’s unnecessarily expensive, which seems to be the real theme with all of these clothes.

Did someone say “awkward”? This is worthy of consideration for the Awkward Hall of Fame. Best of luck cooking with those sleeves. Or eating. Or really doing anything at all. Just look at the model’s face. She’s clearly in Hell wearing this top. The flames only add to the feeling of being stuck in the Lake of Fire for all eternity. Sisyphus had to push a boulder up a hill only to watch it roll down and start over again for all eternity. She has to try to do mundane, every day tasks just to have those impractical sleeves get in the way. I can’t even get into the lack of spacing for “Mother Of Dragons” on the front. That’s how upsetting those sleeves are to me. I just want to take a scissor to them. Free her hands! Free her hands! Free her…£80? Screw it, enjoy your hand trap, lady.

I’ve watched every episode of Game Of Thrones and I don’t recall anyone saying “Win or Die” or “Win Die” or “Die Win” depending on how you wear these. “Winter is coming”? Sure, they say that plenty. People in your office probably say that every time it gets chilly outside. “Win or die” sounds like a 70’s game show that was hosted by an extra handsy Son of Sam.

Is this really worth £15?

Pros

  • It covers up your regrettable leg tattoos.
  • Wearing these means gross dudes aren’t wearing open-toed sandals or flip flops.
  • Most people won’t see these anyway when you’re wearing pants.

Cons

  • You have to explain to anyone that sees them that they’re actually Game of Thrones socks.
  • The blood splatter makes it look like you spilled some cranberry juice on them.
  • You could probably buy an entire package of generic socks for the same price.
  • You’re wearing socks for a TV show designed by a guy from a shit band.

So no. It’s not worth £15.

I can’t decide if this thing is so weird it’s ugly or so ugly it’s weird. Either way, it’s so bad that it’s offensive. Offensive to fans of Game of Thrones, offensive to fans of clothes, offensive to anyone that is living and breathing. I guess some of these pictures might have something to do with the show?  The site describes this trench coat as having “original inspired Westeros artwork”.  So basically, it’s just a bunch of doodles that they’re saying comes from this made-up land. They might as well have just covered the jacket in dicks and tits. That would be just as, if not more, accurate than what is on there now. At a butt-clenching price of £150, I can’t fathom Drop Dead selling a single o…

Damn it. Time to Take the Black and begin my watch on the Wall. It’s a great place to vomit off of uncontrollably.

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