Shirt Stains: “Extremely Bad Shirts For Extreme People” Edition
Oops. Wrong Extreme.
Death Metal. Grindcore. Speed Metal. Thrash. Whatever labels you want to bestow upon these bands, we can all agree that they fall under the “extreme” category of music. And no, I don’t mean extreme like riding a kayak down a waterfall while slamming Mountain Dew and Doritos 3Ds.
When it comes to shirts for these types of bands, you can pretty much expect some really detailed art depicting graphic images of violence. Not exactly something you’d wear to grandma’s for Thanksgiving, though it would be easier to wear that than explain to her why you’re not married yet and haven’t moved out of the basement. Personal preferences aside, you know what you’re getting with these bands. But this is Shirt Stains. You’re not getting the typical. You’re getting the bargain bin mistake shirts found in a closet from a closed Sam Goody.
Brutal Truth – Magilla Gorilla
This is bad. I don’t care how much you love Brutal Truth, there’s no way you can say this is a good shirt. It looks like someone took a picture of Arnold Schwarzenneger and Coco the gorilla and mashed them up with Mario Paint. I like how he’s an affront to god, but still has his full shirt collar. They show this shirt at Photoshop tutorials to lighten the mood.
Look at the sadness in his eyes. He knows he doesn’t belong. He knows the boys down at the Yacht Club will never accept him and that his fiance Fee Fee will leave him for that pretty boy Chaz Bonerchlong IV.
You just know this manrilla wants to whisper “Kill me! Please kill me! Every moment I live is agony!” but all he can do is let out an operatic “LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!” Or maybe he’s just yawning.
Cattle Decapitation – Hold On, Let Me Get My Reading Glasses
Cattle Decap has a long line of good (and offensive) t-shirts which makes this one seem so much worse. What is going on here and I’m not just talking about the pictures of torture. Those are pretty terrible, though. It looks like Eli Roth’s doodle pad when he’s in-between movies.
There’s so much going on here. So much text in different fonts all over the place. And wait a minute. This design looks very familiar.
It’s helpful that they put the band name at the top. That way you know there’s no need to read any further. Is someone going to stop you in the street and say, “Excuse me. I’d like to read everything on your shirt. Would you mind awkwardly standing still while I slowly absorb all that which is upon your shirt? Hmmm. Yes, I see. This is quite the slice of life! Thank you, kind stranger, for spreading the various quotes and witticisms to the masses. I bid you adieu!”
Nah. People will just see this, automatically judge you as well as all metal fans, and laugh about you with their co-workers at the water cooler.
Napalm Death – You Suffer, But BLAAARARGGGGHHHHH
This shirt is what happens when you have too much Jalapeno Poppers and Georgia Moon corn whiskey. This shirt is what happens when Alan Moore asks R. Crumb for original artwork. This shirt happens when you ask a nun to describe the movie Salo. This shirt is what happens when you ask to borrow notes from the weird kid in class and you accidentally come across his sketches.
What the bloody hell is going on with this shirt, Napalm Death? The design for this is the physical embodiment of a fever dream. We’ve got Go-Bots, a kid playing video games, fire, and, oh yeah, a guy in a suit shitting out some sort of worm monster. Napalm Death’s name is barely on the shirt, almost as if it was forgotten and quickly added in at the end. It would have been better for all parties if they had just forgotten completely.
Cannibal Corpse – Cartoon of the Mutilated
Cannibal Corpse are known for their vicious, graphic lyrics and album artwork. So why do we get a cartoon zombie more suited for the Tales From The Cryptkeeper cartoon. Cannibal Corpse wants us to be horrified and we can only giggle. What is going on with the perspective? Zombie or not, a neck doesn’t bend like that.
Did the zombie take a few Alka-Seltzers before gnawing on some flesh? Guess he doesn’t want indigestion. And is the zombie eating another zombie? That’s like…a double zombie. I can hear the tapping of chubby fingers on laptops right now working out that terrible horror movie. What does it say near the decapitated body? Radid? Radip? Radio? Is Cannibal Corpse killing radio? Well, we all know that’s not true. Someone help me out here.
Maybe this is intended for the children of Cannibal Corpse fans, sort of like a death metal starter kit? Let strangers know how cool your record collection is when you force your child to wear a Cannibal Corpse shirt!
Morbid Angel – Sassy Demon
Nothing says “extreme” like a sassy demon. I think this demon beats out Slipknot’s zazzy skeleton lady. Look at that pose! The tilt of the hips, the bend in the legs, the twist of the torso. It’s all “Hey, fellas. C’mere a minute. I wanna show you something!” It’s daintily standing on the broken crucifix, as if there’s a mouse on the floor and it’s too afraid to get down. And look how it’s holding the inverted cross. All that’s missing is the upturned pinkie.
I’m not quite sure what’s going on behind the demon. Smoke? Fog? Incense to set the mood for when the demon takes you into her cougar layer for some boneage? Random gray smudges for no real reason? The line “Your God Is Dead” on the back is just a barrel of laughs. How can Morbid Angel be all tough and blasphemous with the satanic equivalent of a secretary that has had a few too many Cosmos at Karaoke Night? You’re not fooling anyone, Morbid Angel.