Shirt Stains: Politics 2016
Vote 365 Days Of Horror/Link Leonhart!
There’s less than 50 days until the election and the first debate between Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton and Republican troll-lord Donald Trump is just a few days away. Can’t you feel the excitement? I’m psyched. Before some of you rush to the comments section to post your favorite Curt Schilling-approved meme or about how former New Mexico governor and professional chuckledick Gary Johnson is going to “save” the country, let’s just all take a collective breath, accept the fact that there is politics in everything and laugh at these two woefully misguided pieces of heavy metal merchandise.
*Note – I am excluding shirts from Municipal Waste and Brujeria because they are both quality designs. And also because, while some may find the graphic death of a political candidate distasteful, fuck Donald Trump.
Avenged Sevenfold – Edge/Lord 2016
Avenged Sevenfold, the Shasta Grapefruit Zazz soda of heavy metal, hail from Orange County, California. The OC hasn’t voted for a Democratic presidential candidate since Franklin Roosevelt in 1936. That means they voted for Richard (fucking) Nixon three times. It should come as no surprise that the band has a Republican lean. After all, lead singer M Shadows, who vocally supported George W. Bush, is a rugged individual with “pro-hard-work social views” who worked for everything he’s ever gotten and isn’t a white dude from one of the top 100 richest counties in the country. I hope he can use his big strong muscles to help all those “anti-hard-work” people pull up their bootstraps. Maybe he can wander onto a basketball court in an inner-city, roll-up his shirts sleeves and have everyone take a knee so he can explain trickle-down economics.
That’s why this shirt may come as a shock. No not the depiction of a decapitated and rotting Hillary Clinton head. I expect something really tone-deaf like that from a band whose members names include “Synyster Gates” and “M Shadows.” It’s the inclusion of the nominee of their chosen party, Donald Trump. Are they not fans of the xenophobic, islamaphobic, misogynistic, racist, stale Cranberry-Orange muffin? Or are they just trying to walk a middle-path and hit the sweet spot of the disenfranchised tail-end of millenials that make up a solid chunk of their fanbase?
Either way, this shirt sucks and, of course, A7X makes it about themselves. They are the victors in the 2016 elections. The stars on the flag are replaced with their Overkill-lite logo and the 13 stripes have been reduced to 7 for some reason. The A7X mascot, which probably has a name but I don’t know it so I will call it Bonesy Coccyx, proudly displays the skulls for all to see and, um, enjoy I guess. For some reason, the skulls still have pupils. That’s weird.I would like to point out that we can’t see Bonesy Coccyx’s legs behind the podium. That just means he skips legs day at the gym and has tiny little sticks propping him up. Sure, he’ll murder a bunch of people, but don’t ask him to run.
This shirt is dull, ugly, and whiffs hard with its try-hard edgecore “point.” Maybe they are just holding out for actual crazy person John McAfee to rise in the polls. Bonesy Coccyx can be his running mate.
All Shall Perish – None Shall #FeelTheBern
I cringed hard when I first saw this shirt several months together. I cringe just as hard today. The cringing must continue! All Shall Perish are no strangers to having monstrously hideous shirts that manage to offend multiple senses. You just know this shirt smells like Chili Cheddar Fritos and stale bong water. ASP enjoy their brightly-colored shirts almost as much as they enjoy their smokeables.
It’s a poor idea to make a band shirt for a political candidate during the primary season. This shirt was out-of-date before the primaries even ended this past year as it became obvious that Bernie Sanders was not going to win. It ages poorly with every passing second, like a car that still has a Ron Paul ’88 sticker on it. A joint-smoking Bernie riding a tank over zombie politicians may be slightly chuckle worthy if you’re late-night scrolling through Twitter, but as a t-shirt? Ehhhh. Donald Trump, Jeb! Bush, and Hillary Clinton I get, but Ben Carson? Seems kind of odd when human scumbucket Chris Christie, Brillo-headed Rand Paul, and definitely-the-Zodiac-Killer Ted Cruz were also running.
Don’t worry, though. The shirt is still available and is only $10.00. It’ll go over great at the next Jill Stein For President rally/support group. Just make sure to spray it with vinegar or else the chemtrails will control your thoughts and give you a smallpox vaccination.