Shirt Stains: Thrash Pile
Making fun of bad shirts is my business and business is good.
Thrashy thrashy thrash thrash thrash. Squealies and solos. Yelling and screaming. Getting up and getting down. Get in the pit. Get out of the pit. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Okay, this is enough of an intro. Let’s get to the shirts.
Exodus – Now On MTV’s Remote Control
This shirt is the epitome of “doing the Toxic Waltz.” It makes the wearer look spastic and poisonous to people of the opposite sex. The shirt is for Exodus’s 1989 album “Fabulous Disaster” and pretty much encapsulates where thrash was as a genre at the time. Yelling about nuclear war, corrupt governments, and all sorts of spooky, scary things had slowly given way to a more skate-or-die party attitude. Blame Anthrax and their Bermuda shorts. I feel like a Gang Green video is about to break out every time this shirt comes into view.
The design on this shirt makes me want to run the Double Dare obstacle course with Peg Bundy as my partner. This shirt would go well with Zubaz pants and puff paint. You can practically taste the Crystal Pepsi and Gremlins cereal while looking at it. Of course they had to use the goofiest pictures of each band member. If you’re going to go goof, go all the way. I just hope someone doesn’t spend a lot of money on eBay for this shirt in an effort to impress people. It is not necessarily a bad shirt, it’s just silly. I suppose that was their intention. Mission accomplished. I guess.
Megadeth – Superior Dorkpower
I’ll give Dave Mustaine some credit: In an election season where someone smearing their face with cow shit wouldn’t disqualify them for the presidency, Mustaine has been relatively quite. It’s actually sort of impressive considering how much time he spends answering fans questions on Twitter. He legitimately spends hours directly answering people and has managed not to end up in the news for all the wrong reasons. Maybe he has been saying ridiculous things, but the overwhelming din of insanity is just too strong for the guy who once said President Obama was behind the Aurora movie theater shooting. Hopefully all of his crazy was absorbed by this laughably bad Megadeth shirt.
Superior Firepower isn’t a Megadeth album. It’s not a Megadeth song either. Maybe it’s in a song, but I’m not digging through DarkLyrics.com to find out. Either way, it was so important that it needed to be both bigger and above Megadeth’s name. Is Superior Firepower a clothing company? Juding by the font, I’d surmise that Superior Firepower is an MMA/Energy Drink/Morning After Pill clothing company inspired by Affliction and regrettable decisions.
The soldiers look straight out of stock video game art, and the little crosshairs look like Mad Max-style Pac Mans about to fight over a solitary breast. There’s a bunch of random bullets at the bottom of the shirt because military and government and freedom constitution sandwiches. Don’t worry, though. We’ve got 44 minutes to get away from those spoopy storm troopers. Now that I think about it, maybe Exodus has the right idea with their super fun happy times shirt above.
Destruction – Crunchy or Puffed?
Unlike Destruction’s Thrashnado shirt of Deutsch-atude, this shirt isn’t based off of album artwork. I think. I hope. No, this Destruction shirt was made in honor of their 30th anniversary tour. A tour quite possibly sponsored by Frito-Lay. It looks like someone rubbed a bunch of Cheetos on their face and them mushed it up against the shirt. I didn’t realize Glenn Beck was a Destruction fan.
If the shirt wasn’t the same nuclear orange color as your fingers get when you dip into a bag of Cheese Puffs, would the shirt still be bad? Hard to tell, but I will go out on a limb and say yes. The skullface looks like the rotten corpse of one of the martians from the satan-awful “Mars Attacks!” movie from the mid 90’s. That noggin is huge! It’s like sticking your thumb in a watermelon. I know a lot of metalheads want shirts in colors other than black, but this white shirt looks really sparse. Maybe that’s what Chester Cheetah wanted. Someone ask him on Twitter.
Overkill – Have Some Fucking Manners
Damn it, Overkill. Your mother and I raised you better than this? You can’t just go around flipping people off? Especially when you have your sassy pinky ring on. Saying “We don’t care what you say” will just make people think of Type O Negative. We’re not mad, we’re just disappointed. You’re getting on in years and it’s time to settle down like a mature adult. You can’t just keep drinking beers and playing Ninja Gaiden in the basement. Update your resume and get a job.
What’s this on the back of your shirt? Oh my sweet child o’ mine! That’s just blatant. One “Fuck you” wasn’t enough, was it, mister? No, you had to just say it over and over again. Don’t treat your shirt like you treat your body. That’s right, we know what you’re doing on the computer. Looking for a job on boobiesboobiesboobies.com are you? Why can’t you be more like those nice boys in Testament? They’re so good to their parents. Not embarrassing at all. They have jobs and families of their own. I’m going to give little Chucky Billy’s mother a call and see how he’s doing.
THRASH METAL – All The Thrash, None Of The Mess
Ready to go to the thrash metal show and have nothing to wear? You leather vest just a little too tight? Don’t have time to sew and iron on patches to your denim jacket? Worried that you might wear the wrong Armageddon or Mortuary shirt? Well look no further because now for just 18.95 Good Boy Points, you can buy the official “THRASH Metal Longsleeve T-Shirt WRAP Collection Goth, Rock, Horror, Biker” shirt. It’s not just a long-sleeve shirt. It’s not just a t shirt. It’s not just a denim jacket. It’s all three and they’re all abominations!
You’re looking at a long-sleeve shirt with a design scheme to make it look like there’s a short sleeve shirt on top of it. Then there’s another design on top of that to make it look like you’re wearing a denim jacket. To make matters worse, it has just some of the most generic and cliché designs on it. The fake skull and skeleton patches. The swirly bro tattoo lines. The bloody vampire skull. There’s even a necklace printed on the shirt.
This shirt is so sad I actually want to cry. This shirt is the captain on Team Try Hard. This shirt farts into jars and then keeps the jars under its bed for future consumption. This shirt had an affair with Ted Cruz. This shirt staples shut the dickholes on its boxers. This shirt named its right hand “Velveeta.” This shirt owns all the Michael Bay Transformers movies. This shirt wishes the designers put a fedora on it.
