Shirt Stains: UK Body Hair Fest


U wot m8?

What you see below is a cursed image. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it. Even when you close your eyes, it will still be there. It is the first thing you will think of when you wake and the last before you fall asleep. I would apologize for burdening this upon you, but it is the only way to free myself from its ghastly grip. To paraphrase Art Bell, what you are about to see is very disturbing indeed.

This is one of those fabled images that you know smells just by looking at it. The stench of moldy cheese and Tool fans practically wafts into your nasal passages, offending all of the senses. Stale ball sweat is soaked into every fiber of the hoodie before it’s dragged across the floor of a Burger King that’s set to close in two weeks and all the workers have stopped caring. The nipples and gaping belly button are a screaming face, forever in agony, begging to be let out. It’s like a more disturbing Necronomincon.

Where does this haunted hoodie come from?

This hoodie is a one-of-a-kind item for the UK Tech-Metal Fest set to take place July 6th – 8th at Newark Showground in  Nottinghamshire. The fest features techy-wecky and chuggy-wuggy bands such as Sikth, The Acacia Strain, The Contortionist, and Betraying The Martyrs. While the fest is selling an assortment of items such as booty shorts, varsity jackets, ash trays, space sweatpants, onesies, and cornea-burning shirts, this hoodie takes the cake. The hair-encrusted cake. Great, I just made myself nauseous. Such is the curse of the Tech Fest Hoodie from Hell. Go forth, share this article, and rid yourself of this hex before the next full moon.

Good luck trying to widdily-diddily with hair on your tongue.

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