The Lonk-Up: Craven Idol, Condor and Hellcannon complete this year’s listmania

lonk from pennsylvania thrash metal

Link is out for a holiday week so his cousin Lonk took the opportunity to write about the thrash in Craven Idol, Condor and Hellcannon.

Okay, you worthless maniacs. You secretly wanted this and you shall receive the bombing. Today, I, your benevolent tyrant, Lonk the Warlord from fucking PENNSYLVAYYNIUHHHH, take the throne of The Link-Up Spell to give you three thrash metal you WILL add to your crappy years-end list, because I say so.

While my magical half-elf cousin is chilling with his family in the wondrous realm of Venezuela, my brain-dead lackeys found three dark stones in the Kingdoms of Norway, Buffalo and Great Britain.

Of course, these peasants does not understand power, so I took these three magicks from their rotten hands and conquered new territories thanks to the degenerate sound power of these three covens. Consider this as a friendly gift for you from this purulent necromantic heart:

Craven Idol

craven idol the shackles of mammon

Simon Phoenix recommended these guys years ago. If you fucking follow what Simon Phoenix says, you are fine with me today. If you are not, I will open the portal to the netherworld right now for your own diversion putting your genitals inside demonic torture devices.

Like the sadistic criminal said. These warriors started around 2005 in London, UK, and its first full-length, Towards Eschaton, was well received by the most obscure groups of the metal blogosphere. The record was a great display of melodic prowess with a vicious slice of old-school extreme metal.

If you are like me, you know… a degenerate fuck. You will enjoy Craven Idol. End of discussion. But, now, with The Shackles of Mammon, their putrefied formula of thrash with black metal, these guys are now competing in the big leagues of demonic summoning.

The record is quite consistent with this particular genre (and, I mean, if you are willing to listen black/thrash, you are definitely going to get your flesh rip in a couple of minutes), but the seasoned doses of melodies, a la Finnish black metal school and even NWOBHM influences, psychotic tempos and a couple of stomping tracks sets the mood for getting answers from the demon of greed while he lash your back until your last breath.

Recommended listening are “A Ripping Strike” and “The Trudge”, where song writing and narrative collides with exquisite riffing. It’s tea time, while these bastards rip your throat. It is feast in hell at 3 o’ clock!

Do you need money? Women? Fame? Is your only goal on life to be the Antichrist of Capitalism? For all these requirements, summon Mammon along the tortured shrieks of the High Priest Immolator of Sadistik Wrath, and stop bothering me with your horrible face.


condor unstoppable power

One of the things I love about Condor is that they do not give a shit of what do you think, and they are just going super hard, super fast and super destroyer.

Tints of early Slayer and Kreator splash Unstoppable Power without feeling derivative. How these Norwegians did make this?! These guys totally sound like they resurrected a 1986 zombie and injected it life through speed metal records.

After the violent riffing of Maggressor, I think the real “unstoppable power” on this record is drummer Obskurving. H-O-L-Y SHIT, man! This guy is a killing machine, romping all the wasteland roads to crush every limb and bone, swinging rhythms and plenty of hooks with precision.

Highlights of the record are the catchy eight songs, seriously. This is a high-caliber soundtrack to cut people in half with a giant war axe.

Condor is a rare gem in the genre. From outside, weaklings and wimps would start arguing about “retro is boring” or “I prefer to listen the original records”. You know what, that’s why those people are weaklings and wimps; they cannot grasp the true power of metal!

You know what? Be a good boy like DumpsterLung and come to the savage party with us, we have donuts.


hellcannon return to wasteland

When I think of Buffalo, New York, I remember Sharknado 2: The Second One and my stupid tendency to pee my warlock acid in every restaurant I eat (Don’t ask, it’s a necromancer thing). Hellcannon, on the other side, impressed me for their excellent thrash attitude.

Last record is named Return to Wasteland, their third output in a nice discography, and while it does not have too much black in it, except for a couple of great drum fills and tremolo segments, the mix is full of punching anthems. Once more, the Teutonic scene serves as a template, but these guys are loose in the rodeo with no signs of tiresome. Ye-haaw!!!

The full band operates at a pro level. Vocalist Ryan Fiorita has a raspy commanding voice, and the riffing is sharp and clear, bassist Joe Leising put great gurgling sounds from hell and drummer Marc London owns the sound waves. In fact, ignore me; these three bands have intense talented drummers so I could probably just shut up about this.

If you still need another reason to peep Hellcannon, check out album closer, “For Those Who Have Betrayed Us”, and just die, because these guys are just too good.

And so it ends the journey today with me, your ghastly count, Lonk from PENNSYLVAYYNIUHHHH. It was cool to write you all about these three spectacular bands, but I need to return to my domains to flagellate my subjects, because those fuckers are not going to whip or take the taxes themselves. If you need me once again, ask Link Leonhart and I will invade your country with my shitty behavior.

(Today’s column is dedicated to my friends Karhu, Simon Phoenix and Boss the Ross).

The Link-Up Spell is a weekly Toilet ov Hell column about music, movies, books, retro video games and guaranteed Elfic nonsense. If you want to contact the author to send your material, mail us at toiletovhell [at] with the subject “The Link-Up Spell” or message him on social media.

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