Sunday Sesh: We Need a New Big Four. Here’s How We’ll Do It
Before you fly straight to the comments and flense me for such an idea, let’s talk.
I’m not one to turn down a good flensing, though, so we’ll get to that later. In the meantime, let’s recognize that this isn’t new talk by any means. At various times the talk was all about the “Big Five,” with Exodus completing the lineup. Others say that yes, it is the Big Five, but Testament is the fifth band. Not to mention every Big Four band is, by now, pretty evenly split on duds and hits in their discography. Slayer and Anthrax have at least kinda held on to some sort of unfocused and geriatric aggression, likely due to that pesky gout and how Ensure has really gone downhill in flavor lately. Metallica hasn’t been a metal band, or even an interesting band, in thirty years, and Megadeth will never, ever escape the shame of Supercollider. Or Risk. Or The World Needs A Hero. Or Thirteen. I could go on.
So we’re in a state of crisis here, and if there’s anything I’ve learned in frequenting metal blogs, it’s that you should make a lot of rash claims and propose the perfect solution so no one can agree with it. And if there’s anything I’ve learned from living in the land of the got dang free and the brave, it’s that democracy is the only answer, especially when haphazardly forced on something. And is with that American spirit I propose an international election system, complete with primaries and caucuses, to select new Big Four bands every four years. Guys, this is brilliant. I’m getting goosebumps typing this right now from how brilliant this is. Thrash metal is about to get so liberated. Here are a few rules:
- Bands must be Certified Thrash™ in order to run, as determined by the Thrash Advisory Board. Our own Simon Phoenix and Boss the Ross will likely have important chairs on the TAB. All matters of crossover/genre blending will defer to the TAB.
- The election cycle will last one year. All bands wishing to run must release an album within that year, the album may have no more than one cover song on it, and the album must totally rule.
- If elected to the Big Four, each band must release an album within their four-year term. The album may not have any cover songs on it, and the album must totally rule harder than their album from the election cycle.
- If the term album is deemed to not totally rule as hard as the election album, impeachment procedures may begin at the discretion of the Thrash Advisory Board.
- No Big Four band may release more than two albums during a single term. If a band plans to run again, they must do a second album during the last year of their term, which is the election cycle year. The album must totally rule, but is acceptable if it does not totally rule as hard as their term album, as it is technically the next term’s election album. If a band releases a second album in their term but does not plan on running again, the album must totally rule as hard or harder than their previous term album.
- If a band is impeached due to an album not sufficiently ruling, or breaks up for a reason unsanctioned by the TAB, the band and its members will be forever deemed gigantic posers.
- Bands will be term-limited to two (2) terms, consecutive or non-consecutive.
- The current Big Four must retire, effective immediately. Subsequently elected Big Four bands may remain active after their elected term(s) for as long as they can put out albums that totally rule.
- During their term, each band must complete two absolutely gnarly world tours on their own, plus an additional Big Four world tour.
- Women are highly encouraged to be involved in any way. Please. It’s been nothing but washed up dads for way too long.
- Pending the unbelievable success of this idea, the election format will spread to other genres to elect their own Big Four.
It’s time we took back the power. It’s time we stopped living under this oligarchy. Rise and vote, and also fight me in the comments.