Shirt Stains: Within The Boo-ins
I was saying “Boo-urns.”
Within The Ruins are a deathcore band on Victory Records. I know this because I had to look it up. I’ve seen the name plenty of times and with four albums under the belt, you probably have too. They have performed on Summer Slaughter, New England Metal and Hardcore Fest, and South by Southwest. I don’t doubt that I’ve heard their music before, but I can’t say for certain. What I’m really trying to say is that I’m padding this intro paragraph to an acceptable length before I start making fun of their bad t-shirts. Think I’ve written enough? How about now? Yeah, I think we’re good. On to the shirts!
Within The Wut
The standard journalistic questions come to mind when looking at this shirt. Who? Where? When? Why? How? What the fucking fuck? I’m tempted to just answer all of those questions with the shrugging emoticon. What we have here is some sort of hog/shit hybrid monster in some sort of elephant gas mask. I swear I just didn’t have a stroke while typing out that description. Why is this on a t-shirt? Did the band owe their weird friend a favor and he just picked out one of his doodles from his 6th period Spanish notebook?
To complement this ink blot test that will guarantee you get locked up, the band’s name is a lovely mixture of pus yellow, spinach-puke green, and an alarmingly confused white-pink. Does it have to look so gooey? Yes, of course it does because nothing on this shirt is allowed to make sense. If you hold this shirt up at a Donald Trump campaign rally, it would receive a standing ovation. If you wear this shirt in school, you get sent back a grade. If you wear this shirt in a restaurant, the staff is required to spit in your food.
Within The Bro
So there’s nothing inherently wrong with this shirt. It’s not ugly. It’s not offensive. It doesn’t have a convoluted message or bad grammar or misspellings. It’s a perfectly fine long-sleeve button down plaid shirt. It might even be fleece which will keep you warm on those chilly nights. It might be a little itchy though. So why did Within The Ruins have to go and ruin it by slapping their t00 br00tal logo on it?
Did you make this shirt specifically so Jimmy Slam and HaydenXFeedingFrenzy can have something nice to wear to Thanksgiving dinner while still repping the scene? I’m surprised the shirt doesn’t come with a complimentary flat-brim Suicide Silence hat, ear gauges, and a chin strap. For the price of this shirt, you could actually buy two or three similar shirts at a department store and not embarrass your mother.
Within The OHMYGODMYEYES
I don’t know how or why it happened, but for some reason, tie-dye has made a tiny comeback amongst some heavy bands. It’s enough of a comeback to have an entire section on AllInMerch.com (who have graciously provided a lot of fodder for this and other Shirt Stains. Thanks guys!). I guess it is supposed to be some funny juxtaposition between dark music and bright colors, or maybe it’s a lolbuttz deathcore brutal lyrics vs. hippies. It could be as simple as “here’s something for fans that don’t want black t-shirts.” I don’t know. I’m probably putting more thought into this than any of the bands.
Would you know that this shirt is for Within the Ruins if I didn’t tell you? I certainly wouldn’t have known. Yeah the swirly letters kind of look like “WIR”, but that could stand for anything: Wookie Ice Rectum, Witch Itch Rich, Welsh Iraqi Romanian. If you don’t know what Within The Ruins’s symbol is, this shirt has absolutely no meaning. It doesn’t serve to advertise the band. Then again, most people will be averting there eyes when looking directly at this technicolor monstrosity, so maybe that’s by design. I don’t think they could have had an uglier piece of merch.
Within The Temporary Blindness
I was wrong! It hurts. It hurts so bad. It’s like someone murdered Slimer and ritualistically spread him across a hoodie in hopes that Bill Murray will do a third Ghostbusters movie. This time, Within The Ruins have their name prominently displayed on their eye-molesting merch. Thankfully it serves as a sanctuary for the eyes, provided a bit of relief from the ocular onslaught. This hoodie glows in the dark whether or not it’s actually supposed to glow in the dark. If you’re ever caught in a horror-movie situation, make sure the person you like the least is wearing this. They’ll get picked off first. Maybe some of the hoodie will rub off on your killer/psycho/monster and you can stay one step ahead of her/him/it.
Your tush better indeed be elite if you’re wearing this hoodie. Why else would you put it exactly at the spot where this merch would cover? It’s like having a shirt that says “Guess” right over the stomach. It’s just going to invite unwanted attention. Hmm. Elite Tushy. If that’s not a porn site, it soon will be. This hoodie will be the first to buy a subscription.
Within The BDubs
Within The Ruins likes to use other people’s intellectual property for their merch. A lot. While any one of these shirts could (and should) have been included, it would be wrong to not give special attention to the Buffalo Wild Wings Within The Ruins shirt. You can practically taste the Parmesan Garlic wings, the chili queso dip, and dessert nachos. Did you know the band likes beer? Well now you do because they told you twice. Also because they have this Pabst Blue Ribbon-style shirt. Jeez guys, would it kill you to come up with a few original designs? Oh, right. The turd pig from the first shirt. Never mind. Keep doing what you’re doing.
This shirt comes with 40 flat screen tvs, all showing you games that you don’t want to watch. If you stare into the void, this shirt spinkicks you in the back of the head. This shirt gives you truck nutz for your Honda Civic. This shirt folds into a fedora. This shirt wears camo pants to weddings. This shirt makes you regret going on social media after a major world event. This shirt uses the washing machine at 1 in the morning. This shirt says “Netflix and chill” and means it. This shirt has a BroBible sticker. This shirt follows Phil Labonte on Twitter. Wait, scratch that. This shirt is Phil Labonte.