Last year, we asked you to help us find the best unsigned bands in America. After flushing just about every turd the shithole threw our way, we’ve finally found the only decent music to be shat out Mt. Rushmore’s octuple-cheeked ass. The best musical artist in South Dakota is Jelly Nutz Justoner.I’ll be totally honest with you here: I’ve never been to South Dakota and I hope that never changes. Seeing some old dudes’ faces in rock sounds like a good time and all but I’m content to stay in a state that, uh, isn’t South Dakota.

The Roughrider State’s racist brother brought us a number of very tempting bands, from nu-metallic hardcore to…whatever this is. None of this was acceptable. It seemed then as if South Dakota would go down as the worst state in this contest, by far; surely, whatever layer of fetid shit Tennessee through Wyoming spewed at us could never best South Dakota when it comes to pure crapitude.

And then, a light broke…

 

How exactly Joe found Jelly Nutz Justoner is a tale shrouded in mystery. The background on his Bandcamp is white, but a shade heretofore unimaginable to mere mortals; this holiest White shines like a billion suns going supernova and reflecting through shards of unpolluted ice harvested from the moons of Jupiter before the dawn of time. Justoner Himself, clad in dankest green, gazes down from the header. Behind His sunglasses is the face of a father at the end of his life, casting one last longing glance at his child, satisfied that it will be the one face he will remember for eternity.

I was first drawn, as if magnetically, to 2013’s magnum opus Peach-Blunt Smoke. As the words “this is Peach Blunt Smoke” echoed forth from my speakers, I could swear Justoner manifested right there in front of me. He looked deep within my heart, and though He saw my every action from birth—good and bad (but mostly bad let’s be srs lol)—He forgave me.

In an instant, he was gone; my computer, no longer bound by the necessity of physical form, began to shift into a kind of oscillating silicon lotus, continually emanating sweet aural nectar in songs like “This is me pt. 1” and “The Robbery 06.” The music enveloped me with a sound echoing all Creation, vibrating every cell of my body to perfection and levitating my soul to a higher plane, where Justoner caressed me and baptized me in peach juice.

But don’t just take my word for it. Our other writers each underwent the exact same experience. From their own mouths:

“Sweet mother of a shitting ass. God fucking dammit.”
–Masterlord

“That’s what you get with a divided Dakota. If you just had one Dakota, you could use the other Dakota’s band. People should not have enough free time to smoke peaches.”
–Link

“This is what it’s gotten to? That a juggalo is the best thing in a state? I can’t even…”
–Simon Phoenix

“Ha ha ha ha”
–CyberneticOrganism

“My life expectancy just went down after listening to this.”
–Dagon

“Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice. Now we know it ends in peach blunt smoke, in South Dakota. I hate this world.”
–Stockhausen

Truly something special.

HONORABLE MENTION:
Seriously though, this state is a punching bag.

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The Toilet ov Hell is on an absurd quest to find the best unsigned band in each state of this glorious union. The purpose? To shine the spotlight on bands that deserve more exposure. Also, we’re going to determine once and for all the greatest state in the nation. Each state winner is decided by a collection of 25 judges. After we’ve announced the winner of each state, we’re gonna throw them all in a winner-take-all bracket and leave the votes up to you. Who will be the best unsigned band in the United States? Which state is superior? We can’t wait to find out.

Previous winners:

Alabama — Phylum
Alaska — Terraform
Arizona – Take Over And Destroy
Arkansas – Torii
California – Destroy Judas

Colorado – The Sleer
Connecticut – Autumn’s Eyes
Delaware – Sloss
Florida – Capracide
Georgia – Lost Hours
Hawaii – Darkest Path
Idaho – Rotten Hand
Illinois – Deus Ex
Indiana – Thorr-Axe
Iowa – Blizzard at Sea
Kansas – Bummer
Kentucky – Ad Infinitum
Louisiana – Withering Light
Maine – Sylvia
Maryland – Bereave
Massachusetts – Scaphism
Michigan – Blackgate
Minnesota – Noble Beast
Mississippi – Jared Moran (Yzordderrex/Uzumaki)
Missouri – Existem
Montana – Martriden
Nebraska – Borealis
Nevada – Elephant Rifle
New Hampshire – Eerie
New Jersey – Black Table
New Mexico – Void Ritual
New York – HUSH.
North Carolina – The Seduction
North Dakota – Gorgatron
Ohio – Prize the Doubt
Oklahoma – Cottonmouth
Oregon – Drouth
Pennsylvania – Burden
Rhode Island – Eternal Khan
South Carolina – Solaire