Stuff That Makes You Want To Die: The “How to Bree” Kid

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The children are our future misfortune.

In a departure from the last edition of STMYWTD, which featured a thing so menacingly, violently bad it caused me to bury myself alive (something I still haven’t fully recovered from as I type away beneath several feet of topsoil), this edition features something so pointlessly inconsequential and dumb it’s barely worth writing about. Actually, it’s not worth writing about. At all. Which is exactly what makes it so awful.

What comes to mind when you think of slam vocals? A vomiting orc? A dying bullfrog? If you thought “a little bit of both, plus a big wet Juggalo fart,” you’re correct. Slam is a genre that prides itself on making the vocal equivalent of a clogged toilet – the kind of clog that rumbles pipes behind walls and shakes a building’s foundations, threatening a Plinian eruption of fermented sewage on a nearby front lawn, a raving eyewitness account on the local news and a hilarious autotuned remix that goes viral the next day.

Have you ever wanted to try those vocals yourself, but you don’t know where to start? You’re in luck! Because a seasoned pro with 20 years of touring experience little kid in a Halo shirt (also slam’s target audience) has created a lengthy, rambling, unfocused how-to video for you.

 

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Marvel at the boredom of someone in between afternoon shits. Also you’ve got a perfectly good rain stick right there, go learn some Inca Son and do something useful.

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GAAAAHH WHY ARE THERE TWO OF THEM NOW?

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“I’m trying to teach the internet how to bree, mom!! Leave me alone you wouldn’t get it it’s so brutal!! JEEEEZ!!”

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And now the maximum cringe-demonstration. Remember kids: don’t try death metal until after puberty.

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You know how everyone always wishes they could be a kid again? Count me the fuck out. Having seen this, I’ve never been happier to have bills, a soul-crushing job and the ability to grow a beard. I’ve never been happier to realize my body expands immediately at the slightest morsel of fast food. I’ve never been happier to realize I don’t own anything that says Halo 3 on it (or a rain stick, although I’m kinda halfway on that one).

Seen any videos lately that make you want to die? Share them in the comments below.

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