Tell Joe Why Wolves Really Are That Badass tbh To Win Some FREE Doooooom!


A couple of weeks back, Joe dropped a spicy hot take on the metal world when he proclaimed that “Wolves aren’t all that badass tbh”, setting the community ablaze before mounting a particularly rotund capybara and riding off into the sunset, cackling hysterically with middle fingers outstretched to the blood red sky. Kinda wish we had video evidence of that now, as it was pretty cool to see. Anyway, in an attempt to appease all you wolf fans out there, I’ve devised a single chance for some recompense! All you have to do is tell us in 140 characters (or less) why Joe was totally wrong and wolves are actually pretty fucken’ badass tbh. If you manage to do a good job on behalf of your canine brethren, you’ll be rewarded with the best Scooby-Snack of all – Dooooom!

In case you missed Joe’s slanderous take-down of metal’s best friend, or if you just need a refresher to get the ducts of hate-saliva flowing again, the link to his original piece is here. You mad again yet? I’m more of a dingo fan myself, but after looking over his antagonistic polemic again, I’m a little hot under the collar too! Sure, turtles are siqqq but damn man, wolves are the source of much inspiration. So many great bands/songs/Disney movies(*)/Faux-Cola brands have wolves to thank for their success. One of these bands is California’s doom dealers Lycus. Just a quick search of the name “Lycus” reveals no less than 20 mythological characters throughout history who all bore the name. All of whom may or may not have been werewolves. There’s just no way to tell in 2016 whether Lycus, the Libyan king who “sacrificed strangers to his father” did so while being asked “who’s a good boy?”, or whether Lycus, one of the companions of Diomedes who were “changed into birds in Italy” was actually changed into some kind of demonic avian-wolf hybrid, or even if Lycus, an “alternate name for Ischys” was simply an alternate name for THAT GOTDAYUM WEREWOLF MOTHERFUCKER. We’ll just never know.

Whatever the case, lycanthropy is an interesting topic. Not for me or anything, though. Made it sound like I was going to talk about men shape-shifting into werewolves though, didn’t I? If you believe in that sort of thing you’ll have to give me the address of whichever local bakery you get your rye bread from; I could go for a good ol’ fashioned dose of medieval ergot poisoning myself. You’re going to be the ones talking about wolves. Provided that is, if you want to win a free digital copy of Lycus’ 2016 album Chasms. Simply tell us in 140 characters or less why wolves are actually badass to be in the running. We’re using the 140 characters method instead of the 25 words or less thing because: it’s old, this isn’t a cereal box competition (**), and you’ll definitely be able to tweet it in disgust at Joe and clog the TovH twitter feed right up to the S-bend. So let’s hear your best 140, one for each mythological figure supposedly called Lycus. The 3 responses that receive the most upvotes by the end of the week will be printed out, covered in various processed meats and left outside overnight. The winner will then be arbitrarily determined by the TovH staff. We just like to feed stray dogs. It keeps the feral cat population at bay.

*Disclaimer – I have not seen Balto, and apologise for any perceived approval of any/all racial stereotypes the movie perpetuates.

** – Yet.

(Thanks to TovH legend SMOHLG for the donation)

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