Sunday Sesh: What’s the Best Album for Slammin’ Nog?

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It is the holidays. You know what that means. Time to drink exactly one gallon of eggnog and call 911. What album will be your soundtrack to self-destruction?

Truly, there is no better representation of the holiday season than eggnog. It’s chunky. It’s excessive. It sticks to your thighs and hips, and it often goes down best with a little Kahlua. If indulged in excess, it’s liable to make you chunder.

But buddy, chundering’s the sweet spot. You can never have too much nog. Like a nasty album with big fat riffs that go down hard, eggnog is best indulged like a private sin. Just gulp it down and hide your shame, knowing that deep down you love something everyone else finds repulsive. Plus, it already looks like spoilt milk you’ve ralphed once before, so you don’t have to go through the awkward post-ralph process again before you down it like the filthy nog-dog that you are. You’ve already paid your shame debt just by cracking open that quart.

So what album perfectly captures the debauchery of chuggin’ nog? For my money, that album should be loaded with fat and gristle. It should go down thick and hard and make you feel like the trash you are. It should be a blow to the body and a twist in the gut.

So death metal, naturally.

Enter Cryptae, a mysterious new entity of fat and furious death. The riffs are curdled, the drums are nauseating, and the vocals have definitely turned. The four-track, self-titled EP is short and revolting, just like that quart of nog that’s been sitting in your fridge for weeks. There’s a nauseating atmosphere to the whole thing, and the choppiness of the approach suits the mid-paced assault perfectly. Plus, there’s a wee bit of flavor and spice to the songs, manifested as throaty drones amid the primitive beats and murky feedback, that ensures you’ll get as jacked up as that healthy splash of brown liquor you dumped in.

Cryptae is a heavy gallon of vomitous death metal in a half-gallon carton, and I love it. Just like eggnog.

____________

Yup, I just puked.

So what audible eggnog are you chuggin’?

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