Scissor me timbers!

Do you know the band Sworn In? I don’t. Sure, I recognize the name in the same way that I recognize not to touch a hot stove, but I still don’t know them. The internet tells me they’re an Illinoisian (is that what you call someone from Illinois? Illinoiser? Illinerds?) metalcore band that formed in 2011. The internet also tells me that despite being around for less than five years, Sworn In has already on their fifth bassist. None of them were named Pig Benis, so it’s not that interesting. Alright, let’s get into this before I start bringing up more members of Mushroomhead.

0:07: They’re all going to laugh at you!
0:13: It’s raining Nerds! Hallelujah, it’s raining Nerds!
0:19: Why didn’t anyone tell me that Deadsy changed their name?
0:24: And why didn’t anyone tell me that Gerard Way‘s drug-bloated brother was in a band?
0:30: He clearly left a few ounces of Miami nose candy on the drums.
0:34: Cocaine doesn’t go there. We need 80’s-era Ozzy to show them how it’s done.
0:41: Anyone else getting an Index Case vibe from this video?
0:43: Head & Shoulders extra strength will clear that dandruff right up.
0:48: Gotta pay the bills any way you can. I don’t judge.
0:51: Sworn In: Now featuring the bottom string.
0:58: For some people, every day is the Family Values ’98 Tour.
1:03: Sure just jump in the shot, lady! No big deal.
1:10: Is this video inspired by one of those fetish videos you can only get by request from Clips4Sale?
1:16: “Okay, let’s get some pretty ladies and drip paint on them. It’ll be great! Just make sure you knock before coming into the editing room!”
1:18: This scene provided by James Deen.
1:21: Thanks for coming, random lady!
1:26: You Can’t Do That On Television 2015
1:32: The skull represents bones and horns and stuff.
1:40: Is that piercing by his eye bothering anyone else. His mom should jump into the shot, spit on a napkin, and wipe it off his face.
1:45: You’ve got red on you.
1:54: He can’t stop touching his face. It’s like they crammed his cheeks full of catnip.
2:01: Oh boy, she got jam all over herself. She’s going to need like 2 baths.
2:11: I’d like to believe they got these wrinkly jumpsuits from a Slipknot yard sale.
2:16: I wonder if the drummer shoves zucchinis through those gaping ear holes.
2:23: This video is like Suspiria. Except totally not.
2:29: Good call cloaking this guy in shadow. Not exactly Tiger Beat material.
2:37: That is some clumpy looking oatmeal.
2:46: Pointing your fingers repeatedly really conveys his emotions. Emotions about pointing at things.
2:53: Fear the Emo-llet.
3:03: Hey, they found Ozzy’s coke sack.
3:09: He must’ve accidentally watched 5 seconds of sports and immediately got sick.
3:13: It’s nice that former members of Orgy can still make a living.
3:20: Crossbreed too.
3:30: And Aversions Crown.
3:35: Eyes Wide Shut Too: The Shuttening.
3:39: Eeeeeeewwwwwwwies!
3:49: Weeeeeeeee!
3:58: Someone’s been watching The Strangers.
4:07: It’s like a completely different song all of a sudden.
4:20: XorgydeadsybiledawnofashesdeadstarassemblyX

I wasn’t quite sure what to expect, but it certainly wasn’t that. I thought it would be some sort of Warped Tour, finger pointing, good cop/bad cop core, but I guess not. It wasn’t great or anything, but I suppose it could have been worse. They needed more neon body paint and crazy hair cuts to really achieve that late 90’s/early 2000’s pseudo industrial metal feel.I hope those models covered in Sherwin-Williams paint were at least paid well.

Hmm, now that I think about it, there weren’t any scissors in this video. Or scissoring. What a rip off!

Sworn In’s new album “The Lovers/The Devil” is out now via Razor & Tie