Gloryhammer – Rise Of The Chaos Wizards: A Video Breakdown


Not the Chaos Wizards! NOT…THE…CHAOS…WIZARDS!!!!!

Gloryhammer is a vegan straightedge hardcore band from Philadelphia. Just kidding. You know exactly what type of band Gloryhammer is without even hearing a single note. The band features Alestorm vocalist Christopher Bowes on keys, so you know the band’s themes and content will be grounded in utter fantastical batshittery. Gloryhammer aren’t here to just serenade us with tales about dragonfucking. Gloryhammer is here to take us on a mystical journey where a level 50 light druid casts a binding spell upon the ice goblins of Nippletwistyheim. Or something. I’m not really sure. Maybe their new video for the song “Rise Of The Chaos Wizards” (yes, really) will answer some questions.


0:04: Oh, what a shock. They’re on Napalm Records.
0:10: Windows 95 screen savers have never been more epic.
0:25: Man, I am really sick of those “Mentos and Diet Coke” videos.
0:27: Hey, it’s Dave Wyndorf from Monster Magnet!
0:33: I know people said the “Green Lantern” movie sucked, but I had no idea.
0:40: Dork powers! Activate!
0:42: “Take that, girls who will never talk to me!”
0:48: I didn’t think it was possible, but those sunglasses actually make him even lamer.
0:53: Someone’s out-of-work nephew worked all day rendering those rock textures.
0:55: Space Lord mother mother.
1:00: 10 minutes in to “Listen to Blind Guardian and chill” and he gives you this look.
1:04: That beard is his security blanket.
1:08: Gloryhammer doesn’t need amps to know how to rock.
1:13: Or oxygen for that matter.
1:17: His chest glows whenever a limited edition Star Wars action figure is near.
1:20: I hope someone tips him over while wearing that suit and he can’t get up.
1:30: “Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You are my only hope.”
1:34: Courtney Love?
1:43: Some people may not like the name Gloryhammer.
1:47: I think it’s okay because it sounds like an awkward sexual maneuver that no one actually does, but still shows up on Urban Dictionary.
1:52: Like doing a “Cosby Sweater”, “Crusty Pirate” or a “Colorado Avalanche”.
1:56: The power of nerd compels you! The power of nerd compels you!
2:05: “Please Dave Wyndorf! We need the Bullgod now more than ever!”
2:09: I wonder if “Guy In Weird Space Lizard Costume” shows up on his IMDB page.
2:14: “May I have this danc…ach! Aarrgh why are you choking me?!”
2:20: So far this video has seen a shitload of asteroids and not too many hammers.
2:24: They should just change their name to Asteroid Hammer.
2:26: Or Glory Asteroid.
2:34: “What’s up, bitches?!”
2:40: “I was born underwater. I dried out in the sun.
2:43: First the Tupac hologram, now this.
2:47: Maybe next year we’ll get a GG Allin holograph throwing holographic shit on people.
2:54: If you order this album now, you get 2 limited-edition 100-sided Dungeons & Dragons dice.
3:02: “Rawwwwrr come at me, bro raaaawwwwr!”
3:10: Ah, there’s the hammer money shot.
3:14: I have a sneaking suspicion that they’ve been reusing a lot of the same shots…
3:23: Chaos Wizards. Can’t live with them, can’t fight a horde of space lizards without them.
3:28: Dorkus! Dominus! Lameus! Dominus!
3:32: I have nothing funny to say about this scene. I just want to bring it to your attention.
3:37: All that build up and he didn’t automatically crush his skull into jelly?
3:39: Ghetto Raiden to the rescue!
3:43: Also, why use a hammer when you can shoot lasers out of your chest?
3:45: “Tell my wife I died heroically!”
3:52: And why does he need sunglasses in space? Did he just go to the optometrist and get his pupils dilated?
3:58: Well that was all for nothing.

So that was Gloryhammer. Did you love it or were you polishing up the lockers for an epic shoving? Before you decide, it should be known that this is Gloryhammer’s lineup:

– Angus McFife XIII, Prince of the Galactic Empire of Fife: Voice Modulated Star Nucleus
– Hootsman, the Barbarian King of California: Trans-Dimensional Subsonic Cluster
– Ralathor, the Mysterious Spacehermit of the Cowdenbeath Sector: Percussive Phi-Quason Battery
– Ser Proletius, Grand Master of the Spaceknights of Crail: Dark Matter String Manipulation Interface
– Zargothrax, the Dark Sorcerer of Auchtermuchty: Positronic Oscillator Command

The decision is yours.

Gloryhammer’s album Space 1992: Rise Of The Chaos Wizards is out now via Napalm Records.

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