Tainted Dickmen – “Don’t Be Afraid”: A Video Breakdown


Japanese thrashcore goes to the petting zoo for a Video Breakdown you MUST watch.

Most of the videos dissected in Video Breakdown are hot garbage. You can always count on this feature for the latest in tuffXguy metalcore and colossally cheesy Euro synth metal. But not today. Today is different. Today we’re gonna watch “Don’t Be Afraid” by Tainted DickMen, not because it’s terrible, but because it is the very best. This video features a ripping tune, tons of cute animals, and a giant dick-and-balls guitar. Really.

Tainted Dickmen fully embrace their name by prominently featuring a Wangcaster. Yeah. You’ve seen that ridiculous dick-and-balls shaped guitar that’s been an internet joke for eons. Apparently Lucy, the rhythm guitarist of Tainted Dickmen, just had to have one and commissioned original Wangcaster sculptor Doug Carver to create a copy of his dong guitar. To quote Doug, “It’s not a very good guitar”.

The band implores that you “Don’t be Afraid”. Should you listen to them? Let’s break it down.

Aaaaand we’re off. Wait hold up.

I don’t know anything about Japanese law, but I’m certain that molesting a field worker with your dong guitar is a crime in the United States.

Me too, lil turkey. Me too.

In addition to vicious circle pits, goats are known for their 2-stepping skill, though fowl generally do not roost to the sounds of low-E string chugs.

I don’t even want to listen to your band if you don’t play guitar solos on tiger statues.

There’s a bit of a language barrier here so I have no idea what this song is about. I’m just going to assume that offering your flesh to cute, fuzzy critters is a vegetarian statement and not something far more sinister.

Regardless, that is not the face of a happy, safe animal.

Pants only increase blastbeat resistance.

This two-stepping goat is my spirit animal.

What did we learn here? I have no idea but I enjoyed every minute of it. Like Tainted Dickmen on Facebook and tell ’em thanks for the memories.

h/t  Count Breznak

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