The Mailmanbro Party Massacre
Another month has ended. Must be time to Display the Hauls.
If you spent this last month doing anything other than managing a torrential influx of metal merchandise from Mailmanbro then you have failed as a consumer and you are a tremendous burden on your local/national economy.
Before we get to the hauls, here are some fun facts about your friendly neighborhood Mailmanbro:
- The music playing in his headphones is Harsh Noise
- At any given time the contents of his stomach include a human infant’s leg
- He still calls his mother “Mommy”
- There is a gigantic red
pentagramicosahedron tattooed on his chest - When he smiles at you he’s imagining what you’d look like as a corpse
- That’s not lemon-lime Gatorade, that’s coyote urine
Right then. I shall now Display the Hauls. Beginning with the Canadian woodsman and hater of people who don’t know shit about car parts, TIGERAID. (We’ll do him first to get the obligatory Bolt Thrower out of the way.) Look upon this meager haul and wonder why he doesn’t already own these albums. Also, wonder why he doesn’t use coasters to eliminate those circular water spots left behind by drinks.
Onward to the Merchtablemanbro haul of Dumpster Lung, inhaler of trash, exhaler of refuse, frequent contributor to This Toilet Tuesday. He’s gonna look sexy af in that Antichrist shirt. I don’t know what Pumpkinseed is (he told me and I forgot) but that shirt looks pretty cool too.
Our resident grumpy insomniac lizard LACERTILIAN scored a haul that pretty much renders all the others pointless. I was gonna make this picture small just to spite him, but I can’t do that to the mighty and sorely missed Dawn. Just look at those CDs. Are you jealous? I am jealous. Let’s be jealous together.
Next up, ELEGANT GAZING GLOBE (whose disqus handle will never make sense to me) hauled some vinyl from Necrot and a very bad movie with a very good soundtrack. Both of his photos came in on their sides. I rotated one and not the other because I am a fickle mistress.
Lovably flawed Baltimore detective JIMMY McNULTY received this from Merchmanbro. He tells us it is “a hand-made print from the 2017 Gorguts tour, in which they played much of their best material (for example the Pleiades’ Dust EP in its entirety).” That’s gonna look siqqq next to his Toilet ov Hell poster.
Anthropomorphized fruit and frequent This Toilet Tuesday writer BERT BANANA is keeping the vinyl industry in business with this haul. Highlights include Full of Hell, Dying Fetus, Anal Trump, and Discordance Axis.
EDWARD EDWARD EDWARD, EDWARD EDWARD. EDWARD? EDWARD, Oxbow, Miserist, Nphlephlxhzzzm; EDWARD EDWARD Schwaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnzzzzzzzzzze; EDWARD fucking Leviathan EDWARD EDWARD: EDWARD… (edward)
HANS, sometimes writer of mini-reviews, is singlehandedly keeping the Angelsword industry in business with shirts and vinyl. Non-Angelsword-items = Dephosphorous and Gridlink.
MEGAN ALEXANDRA‘s photo took 8 tries to load properly so I’m mad at it. But Unaussprechlichen Kulten rules, so I can’t stay mad. That cover art. Woo doggy. That is the stuff of nightmares or highly perverted wet dreams. What are the items hiding behind it? A mystery for the ages.
Toilet Facebook Group dominator Mike K went full metal Incantation. He’s also working on a battle vest for which he got some gnarly patches, including Dead Congregation and Gorguts (I think?).
Incorrigible tea-drinking hockey fanatic JAY RIEMENSCHNEIDER got a whole heap of nerd shit to read while he’s down at the Department of Metal turning in his credentials. I don’t know what that CD is. Looks metal enough, in a sort of 1992 kind of way. (Oh wait, he just contacted me to inform me that the CD is something called 3Teeth. I still don’t know what that is. Industrial Nü-core?)
Pathological hoarder of all things metal SWEETTOOTH0 SWEETOOTH0 hauled in some posters, patches, stickers, cassettes and CDs from the likes of Immolation, Nuke, Bathory, Languid and Nunslaughter. Also Dario Argento‘s Opera on DVD. Is that one scary? It looks scary.
SLIPJACKTHEWANDERER continues to out-class the classiest of us all with his vinyl hauls. This time Mailmanbro bequeathed unto him objects from Khemmis, Kayo Dot, Toby Driver, Endon and Succumb. I’m looking at that Hubardo and Succumb vinyl and I’m thinking dirty thoughts. GET ON SLIPJACK’S LEVEL.
Facebook Group member Jeff H fell into a Municipal Waste hole of such awesome gravity that not even light can escape it. Is this a metal haul or a post-apocalypse survival kit? I don’t know, but that lunchbox is bonkers.
Armless fuckface RICHTER went to a Dischordia show and snagged some sweet merch from a Merchtablemanbro impersonating a dead composer.
I’ve saved JOE THRASHNKILL‘s haul for last because either A) I wish to honor the creator of this most awesome blog, or B) It contains less than 50% metal and is therefore of little consequence. You pick. What have we here? Some books full of words about stuff. Oh, and there was so much Municipal Waste in Jeff’s haul that some of it spilled over into here. Joy!
That be it for this month. Post your own hauls/make fun of people who read/decry consumerism in the comments below. If you want to get in on the haul parade, join the Toilet ov Hell facebook group and deposit your hauls in the designated area. Or don’t.
(Header image via)
