Recently, some “journalist” on “esteemed” metal blog Angry Metal Guy gave Pyrrhon‘s new album, What Passes For Survival, a 5/5. All I can say to that is, “WTF!” Maybe I’m getting too old, but this vegan, hipster “performance art” just isn’t death metal, y’know? So I did what any real metalhead would do: I left a big steaming dump in the comments for a big steaming dump of a faux clever “album.” And yet, these “journalists,” even the ones at this very blog, keep praising this bizarre piece of pure New York Trash! So here, let me spell it out for you. This new Pyrrhon album is some hipster bullshit.

Here, in case you missed my scathing realism the first time.

That was my initial take, given my frankly excusable lack of back ground (I listen to real death metal, okay!), and I stick with it. This new album, despite the praise heaped upon it, is a heaving tangle of bizarre riffs, quicksand-like drumwork, and drunken growls. The guitars seem to simply pop in and out of thin air, coalescing to hit you with repetitive, terrifying dissonance (as in “The Happy Victim’s Creed”) before vanishing into a very un-death metal swell of bass and drums (see “Goat Mockery Ritual” to hear this decidedly unnecessary guitar technicality) or absconding into what sounds like an angry beehive of buzzing, layered tracks. I mean, yeah, there are some cool solos and tremolo lines, but this is way too much Human Remains and not nearly enough Asphyx! It’s all wanking riffs, full of counterpoint and crazy, squealing atonality, designed to make it impossible to headbang! Is that what you wanted, Pyrrhon? To make an album full of difficult, arrhythmic riffs that just aren’t any fun? Do you need a safe space from regurgitated riffs?

That, friends, is the definition of hipsterdom. But just in case you don’t believe me…

While we’re talking about chasing trends, how about those drums? It’s just Dillinger Escape Plan-baiting, skronky time changes! Where’s the groove? Where are the predictable blast beats and double kick sections? How the hell am I supposed to drum along to this record in my Dodge Stratus when this band keeps throwing in crazy breaks and using way, way too many fills for a death metal record? This off-putting mix of mathcore and brutal death metal is trying way too hard with its technically dazzling performances! Give me one-footed blasts or give me death!

And don’t even get me started on the vocals! Doug Moore may in fact be the best death metal lyricist around, but there’s way too much “hardcore” in his higher pitched growls! I mean, yeah, the deep gutturals in “Goat Mockery Ritual” are sick, but then he goes and ruins it with unpredictable techniques! Why is he doing call-and-response in “The Happy Victim’s Creed?” Keep that shit in thrash metal! Why is he adding on noisy effects to create a haunting atmosphere  in “The Invisible Hand Holds a Whip?” This isn’t an electronic album! Why does he keep changing things up to deliver thought-provoking screeds on greed and politics through “post-ironic” wordplay and experiments in sonic concrete poetry (oooh, “The Unraveling” actually sounds like it’s unraveling, how “smart”). Nice liberal arts degree, nerd. Ugh, politics. That stuff has no place in death metal! Only some libtard vegan from Brooklyn would scream (not growl!) about fossil fuels and expendable resources. Just sing about gore, dude! And bring the riffs!

Wait, are you making fun of us? Do you think you’re better than me, Doug?

$30 cover for the khaoss magick live ritual
Not Nazis, just into the aesthetic
Library of forbidden lore purchased on Amazon
(For this pleases the Dark Lord)

Up yours, Doug! Up yours for having a band that writes riffs I can’t air guitar to! Up yours for not growling about violence and gore! And especially up yours for being like the bad trend chasers who blend together doom and death metal in a surprisingly seamless way (as on “Tennessee” and “Empty Tenement Spirit”) rather than the good trend chasers who only want to sound like Incantation. That’s the wrong kind of groove! It’s too warm, too fuzzy! I’m not going to headbang to that in protest, despite its uncharacteristic catchiness.

So yeah, I don’t know the back ground of these guys, but they have all the marks of hipster, too-cool-for-school death metal! Nuanced riffs? Check. Interesting vocals? Check. Syncopated rhythms? Check. Lyrics that don’t just offer me escapist fan service? Check. Clever song titles? Check.

Go rip off Deafheaven, you hipsters.

0 out of 5*

No mosh! No core! No trends!

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If, for some stupid reason, you want death metal that doesn’t just play it safe, What Passes for Survival comes out tomorrow via Willowtip. If you’re one of those lame cucks who has Facebook, you can “follow” them here.

*No, on the real, this album rules, and you should all listen to it. Pyrrhon remain one of the most forward-thinking death metal bands in the game, and this album is everything they’ve done right over the years distilled into a challenging, absurdly dense masterwork.