Wanna Win A FREE Copy Of Temple Nightside‘s Killer New Album? Of Course You Fucking Do!
Why are you reading this? Just click the picture, you idiot.
Apparently it’s not enough that the Toilet ov Hell gives you the best variety of metal recommendations on the internet, now we give you the damn albums as well! Over the last few months/years/seconds/millennia we’ve steadily been climbing to the top of the proverbial pile when it comes to metal websites (*), and due to our uncompromising stance of not letting the site be fouled by the fetid stench of advertising, or ruled by the type of sickening under-the-table corporate journalism that plagues the internet at large, we’re clearly rolling in an unprecedented vault of blog-coin here. Instead of blowing it all on Ballast Point’s excellent range of affordably-priced ales, or picking up some merch from WarlordClothing.com’s range of promptly delivered metal apparel, we’ve decided to give back to the community. And by us, I mean one of our readers.
You see, the Toilet ov Hell is not simply the stolid piece of porcelain as you once believed. In some kind of perverse poo-smeared Peter Pan parody, the community’s collective compassion compelled consciousness in this ‘ere crapper. Your belief brought it life. The beast is now sentient, an organism in its own right. Now it craves life to sustain itself. We no longer simply represent the microbial mass that fights to inhabit its orifices. We are the accumulated biofilm coating its every surface, working in unison. One of the benefits of this living arrangement are the commensal relationships we’ve built. As with all successful ecosystems, you need pioneer species to boldly go forth to initially colonise the hostile barren environs. Today, our minister of metabiosis, our general of generosity, is none other than the ruderal species Smohlg swollii. Through another kind donation from the beast with a heart the size of Phar Lap, we’re pleased to offer you all the chance to win a digital copy of Temple Nightside‘s acclaimed album The Hecatomb! This album remains one of the death metal highlights of 2016 so far, which is really saying something, as 2016 has been an undisputedly killer year for the genre. Don’t believe me? Well, I’ll have you know that a certain someone (who I happen to agree with at least 80% of the time) gave it 4/5 Flaming Toilets ov Hell earlier in the year. Can’t argue with that kind of broad consensus! How can you get your filthy hands ears in contact with this offer? Quite easily.
Your canvas
Once upon a time here, we had a regular photochopping competition. They were heady days, where Danzig, corpse-painted church-burners, George W. Bush and the like, were all sliced and diced in Pixlr.com, Canva, and MSPaint to achieve their maximum lolbuttz potential. Everyone had fun, and we didn’t discriminate based on photoshop skills. To win your free copy of The Hecatomb, you’ll be using the excellent Nekronikon art adorning the album as your canvas to fit the theme of video games. As I mentioned during my ramblings above, we feed off each other here. The idea to combine the cover with vidya came from Cybro’s comment on the album review, where he stated that he wanted to run around that cover with a rocket launcher and god-mode. Just look at it. Can’t you see yourself strafe-jumping towards that elusive quad-damage pickup, cross-map slaying noobs with your railgun on your way to the coveted Buzz Cola LAN Trophy? Maybe you see a post-apocalyptic landscape where Sanic is forced to endlessly quest for cursed gold in order to pay off a decade long drug debt from his copious cocaine use, returning lifelong friend Tails from his capture at the evil clutches of Knuckles’ drug cartel, helping them resume their homoerotic habits in their hometown of Greenhill Zone. Your photochop doesn’t have to be serious though, instead you could do something humorous. The choice is yours. You can make more than one entry, just upload them as separate comments down below to enter. You have one week from publishing to get your entries in, the submission with the most upvotes at the end of the week will (**probably) be the victor. Get choppin’!
* Seriously, Joe showed us our latest rankings, and we’re smashing it for such a young non-profit site.
** TovH Pty. Ltd. reserves the right to: disqualify any entry with no prior notice or valid reason, award the prize to whichever entry we want, offer no explanation, and be total dicks on a whim.
Addendum/Announcement: The winner of last week’s album giveaway competition was avid-reader JWEG. Congratulations, you’re now the proud owner of Lycus‘ 2016 doomonolith Chasms (and a slither of Joe’s pride)! Here’s his winning entry, answering the distress call of his wolf brethren by offering some sound rebuttal to Joe’s hot-take that wolves aren’t really that badass tbh. He can now feast upon the spoils of victory with his rabid pack ‘o doggo’s. It’s that easy folks!
