Whiff o’ the Week (12/28/2014)
“Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.”
The night terrors come again. This is Whiff o’ the Week.
Last week, Brock Samson’s selection of Triptykon and Janitor Jim’s choice of In Flames tied for the title of worst song on best album of the year. Congratulations to In Flames for winning something this year.
Next week, we’re going to go with a unique category determined by Papa Joe. What song is ruined by the performance of just one member of a band?
Today, however, we’re having a plain-ol’ whiff throwdown. Which of these gladiators will emerge supreme as the stinkiest? You decide.
I’m fairly certain I’ve mentioned here a few times that I enjoy Mudvayne‘s music. If not, now you know. The 2009 self-titled album was unfortunately overlooked by most metalheads, but it was chock-full of great songs. The lead radio single, however, was not one of them. Boring and uninspired, “Scream with Me” is the worst song on the S/T and one of the worst tunes this otherwise decent band has penned.
I hate myself and want to die.
I saw something the other day on some website about some dude in some band named Attila, and I realized I’ve never given these guys the properly focused hate they surely deserve. I looked up a video to try and find a particularly bad section to submit as my whiff, but I threw in the towel at 22 seconds. You know when a band is so bad, it’s like they’re a joke that they don’t get? Well, these guys are a cheap imitation of an off-brand parody of a rough estimation of a joke that some drunk frat bro half-heartedly made about a wet fart that smelled too bad to be funny.
I feel really sorry for Scott Stapp these days, since he appears to be off medication that he legitimately needs to prevent thoughts of government conspiracy and ill-advised crowdfunding schemes. However, there is a dank, fetid, salty smell coming from a point several years ago in his career that cannot be blamed on mental illness and deserves a thorough flushing. This is footage of Stapp lecturing his hired-gun band about how important it is to him to include a song that speaks directly to his son on every album he makes. He wants this tune to be especially “rocky” because it’s about how if his son just keeps dreaming, he’ll be successful and “soar.” At 1:10 they finally launch into the song in question, but there’s just one problem, as visible in the title at the top of the lyric page, “WILL SORE.” *flush*
It is also worth noting that he opted to turn this heartfelt paean to his child’s potential into a mixed-metaphor jingle for the Florida Marlins baseball team, “Marlins Will Soar.” *bonus flush*
Jöhnny Crünch ™
You’d think that a collab between Ozzy & Lemmy would yield better results. Well it didn’t. It’s almost as awful as the Mick Jagger/David Bowie “Dancing In The Street” video.
A blast from the past: Glamcore non-legends Blessed by a Broken Heart‘s “Move Your Body.” Wowza, that stinks.
Nordling Rites ov Karhu
I wanted to flush the newest Manowar, because they’ve become a bunch of poser wimps unable to write songs or get that they are a walking joke, but then I recalled this. I’m not saying that Teräsbetoni‘s “Taivas Lyö Tulta” is completely without any redeeming factors. In fact, someone unaware of their story may even mistake this for a decent song.
This parodical take on Manowar was it’s releasing year’s biggest hit. We’re not talking the biggest metal hit here, but the biggest hit. Manowar is no more anywhere near good and these guys are like a bunch of washed up junkies trying to badly rip-off the newest Manowar songs. If there was a way to do metal wrong, this would be it. In order for a joke to be funny, it has to be told. Nobody told these guys they were supposed to be a joke. (They did get it later on and currently make better Manowar albums than Manowar, redeeming themselves.)
Alright, gang, which of these stinkers could choke a donkey the quickest?
Feel free to defend any of these choices in the comments section and tell me what a turd I am for my opinion. Also, if you hate something I love, send it to me for the next Whiff o’ the Week! All opinions here are strictly those of the writer in question, although most of them are correct.