Your Valentine’s Day Playlist: Songs ’bout Goin’ Down

February 14, 2016

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Because most of you wouldn’t know romance if it hit you in the ass with a shovel, Dubya suggested a playlist of romantic songs to woo your lover this Valentine’s Day. Then he went off to play video games and post weird Donkey Kong memes about dicks on the internet. Clearly, he is not the man you want to listen to when it comes to sweet, sweet lovin’. Instead, the task of helping a group of sweaty metal nerds improve their love lives has fallen squarely on my tanned, chiseled shoulders. Indeed, leave it to a REAL MAN to guide your Valentine’s Day. Below I have assembled a collection of songs about cunnilingus for the purpose of getting your significant lady friend “in the mood”, if you know what I am saying.

Cannibal Corpse – Addicted to Vaginal Skin

If there’s one thing all women love, it’s old school Floridian death metal. If there’s a second thing women love, it’s reminding ignorant metalheads that Cannibal Corpse, though often lumped in with the Florida death metal scene, were originally from Buffalo, New York. If there’s a third thing women love, it’s probably cunnilingus? In “Addicted to Vaginal Skin”, noted Cassanova and avant garde artist Chris Barnes proclaims his love for the ladies and going downtown. Great work Chris!

Bruce Springsteen – I’m Going Down

This song is called “I’m Going Down”, which I am told is a way of talking about cunnilingus while being discrete. Pretty crafty! They don’t call Springsteen “The Boss Man” for nothing.

Bush – Mouth

Frankly, I was hesitant to post such an explicit track but what “Mouth” by “Bush” lacks in subtlety, it more than makes up for with sexy ~~Gavin Rossdale~~ synthesizers.

The Cranberries – ‘Linger

I don’t quite get this one, but Masterlord assures me that ‘Linger is a commonly-used euphemism for the thing that you do to the lady with the, uh, mouth? Regardless, Delores O’Riordan of The Cranberries is very pretty and sings good.