BREAKING: Metal Gnus
Hot off the press! News featuring – Metallica, Anthrax, Pantera, Megadeth, Despised Icon, Mgła, Swans, Disturbed, Bring Me The Horizon, The Red Chord, Parkway Drive, Nails, Mastodon, Gojira, The Faceless and more!
- Mastodon and Gojira in race to become first band to play inside a whale.
- Adding to the backstage drama with punk legends Bad Religion at Resurrection Fest recently, pop-core band Bring Me The Horizon have added some extra requests to their tour rider. In order to play at future events, the band insist on being delivered a Nintendo Wii each, 13 packets of bubblegum candy cigarettes, several pairs of “Spideyman” underwear, and an actual horizon.
- Chris Barnes completes remedial English course after mentally exhausting twitter feud with intellectually superior 14 year-old
“troll”. Announces reissues of full back catalogue after correcting the spelling on his entire discography worth of lyrics.
- Bob Rock loses right to last name after supreme court ruling that he has indeed “never rocked”.
- The long awaited, oft-debated Pantera reunion has finally been given the go ahead, albeit with some minor caveats. The Zakk Wylde-led tour has only acquired the rights to play Dimebag’s pinch harmonics and will feature no original members.
Xortesqth (Xavier Mortenson Esquire), the reclusive dungeon-synth legend behind the seminal Stone Kissed Squalls triptych of albums has been trapped in his basement-cum-recording studio for over 4 hours after snapping an antique key in a recently installed medieval locking mechanism. As emergency locksmiths have been unable to fix the antiquated lockset, he now anxiously awaits the return of his mother with the only other key in existence, along with his daily mountain dew, insulin flavoured doritos, and favourite blankie.
- To combat the supposed rampant illicit drug use at last year’s Maryland DeathFest, organisers have added veterans St. Vitus to the already stacked lineup. Word is that Scott “Wino” Weinrich will cut costs by replacing the police’s entire sniffer-dog force, performing their role by working in between sets for a 15% “finder’s fee”.
- Despised Icon sell pig-squealing vocalist at market for a good price following a price surge in livestock commodities.
- Experimental gore-grind band Coprophagic Haemofukk finally heed calls of “CuM 2 InDoneSia!!1!” to play in front of enthusiastic crowd of 5. Break draconian federal noise-restriction laws, face death penalty.
- Dez Fafara quits music to pursue dream of driving for world’s first coal-powered Uber-style service.
- Boulder 4-piece Bonglomerate miss remaining 419 dates from ambitious tour, after losing the hackey-sack during a tournament following a Colorado University concert. Deeply apologetic vocalist Bud Piper vowed to restore karma balance by weaving a replacement sack exclusively from sustainably sourced chakra-aligned body hair.
- Mgła front-man M denies repeated claims he is the admin of popular Facebook page Nihilist Memes.
- In a cost-cutting exercise, Michael Keene founded his own classifieds publication in order to seek out the remaining 17 tech-death musicians still willing to work with him. Duties said to include cleaning the glass on the freshly installed revolving studio door, sucking spittle from vocoders, and “getting the fuck out”.
- Toothpick files for divorce from Lars Ulrich after claims of mistreatment and/or physical abuse.
- Outcry The Sky good-cop vocalist fights for right to obtain PTSD payments following discharge from service mid-tour.
- Market stabilises after djent-rate falls below 15% for the first time since 2007.
- Former The Red Chord front-man turned cop Guy Kozowyk is reportedly regretting endorsing human-Tangelo hybrid turned presidential candidate Donald Trump. After hearing of the inflamed sentient scrotum’s plan to privatise the police force, Kozowyk said he would rather revert to dealing with the misnomer of being labelled “deathcore vocalist” than “rent-a-cop”.
- Javier Reyes has left Animals As Leaders after discovering that he was overlooked yet again by Ibanez for a new signature model guitar. The accomplished guitarist reportedly quit after Ibanez accidentally sent him a carbon copy of the email containing the specs for their new prototype the TAH11x, designed exclusively to match Tosin’s fedora range.
- On this day in 2006: Last metal magazine subscription ever purchased.
- Results from 5-year scientific study into the use of linguistics in metal finds bands who use umlauts try 86% harder to be offensive than non-umlaut bands. Seems some in the industry are calling bullshit already though, when questioned if the study’s results held any sway with him, we got the response “Studying is for fucking losers” from Nails front-man Tödd Jönes.
- Survey concludes 2/3rds of all current bands are not stoner/doom.
- Recently liberated former Yugoslavian state Mestphrania has dissolved over night. After decades of oppression the metal-crazed Eastern European country embraced their new independence by flaunting band merch in public. Not wanting to be the only members of the population to miss out on the festivities, their military allowed the use of battle jackets in actual battle, leaving 4300+ infantry dead and the failed-state in ruins.
- Mustaine breaks personal record by keeping mouth closed for 18 straight seconds. Megadeth album sales increase 3475% from previous week, doubling total sales from entire last decade. Takes credit, sacks “superfluous” rest of band.
- Worldwide poll deems Flounder least ‘metal’ fish in existence.
- Due to the perceived topical relevance of his subject matter, Disturbed human Dave Dramamine has reportedly been the latest celebrity targeted to become a spokesperson for local shopping centre anti-vax recruitment lobby group Mall Plox.
- Crust punks Revilent become first band to tour West coast with van run entirely on self-produced methane.
- Shrinkotomi, the Japanese company renown for creating the technology used for 4K televisions has issued a press statement urging consumers not to bother upgrading to microtonal guitars, as they claim that their nanotonal guitars are just around the corner. The multinational electronics giant has vehemently refuted claims that the tonal differences between frets will be indistinguishable to the human ear, rendering the entire neck the equivalent of just one big fret.
- Change.org petition started by PETA in protest proves successful as unreleased Swans album is finally set free.
- Anthrax consider name change to Zika to regain relevancy.
- Latvian underground black metal band Khäarntis have been jeered off stage and consequently dropped from their label Hatred Frost Productions. After a weak performance at the recent Northern Ritual festival where the band not only failed to insult more than 4 minority groups during their 35 minute set, but also committed the unforgivable offence of neglecting to meet the organiser’s quota by displaying a minimum of 6 recognised hate symbols on stage, their career is all but over.
- Self-proclaimed “fundamentalist libertarian” noise-rock band Tax Is Theft were involved in a freak stage fire and were subsequently burned alive after denying help from fire fighters. After missing his last private health insurance payments in order to donate towards presidential candidate Gary Freemarket’s anti-charity campaign, the only surviving member remains in a critical condition, claiming he “would rather die” than accept public-funded medical attention. Forensic crews found his precious hand-me-down bootstraps in tatters.
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