Stream: This Vahrzaw Album Wants To Fucking Kill You

What’s the most deadly thing in Australia? Let’s end the speculation, once and for all.

One recurring sentiment I’ve noticed since befriending an uncomfortable number of Seppos over the past few years here, is that everything in my homeland of Australia is “trying to kill you“. Now, I’ve tried numerous times to quell the hysteria with relevant statistics on the issue, but my attempts to dismiss these apocryphal allegations as merely falsehoods purported by sensationalists has fallen on deaf ears. That, and our communications are often thwarted with these distractingly loud and exponentially more frequent banging noises. So I, as most Aussies at this stage, have began to accept these untruths and play it up for a laugh. However, while looking over the numbers, I did notice that there was one deadly local that seems to have been overlooked. It’s name? Vahrzaw. Guess Steve Irwin forgot to tell you cunts about this one. While you get acquainted with the dangers, let’s compare it to some of the lethal locals we’re most famous for.

Oxyuranus microlepidotus – The Inland Taipan (aka – Fierce Snake).

The Facts:

• The most venomous snake in the world (LD₅₀ 0.01 mg/kg).
• It is an extremely fast and agile snake that can strike instantly with extreme accuracy, often striking multiple times in the same attack, and it envenoms in almost every case.
• Specialist mammal hunter with venom specially adapted to kill warm-blooded species.
• It was first described in 1879, but for the next 90 years, it was a mystery species to the scientific community. No more specimens were found, and virtually nothing was added to the knowledge of this species until its rediscovery in 1972.
• One bite possesses enough lethality to kill at least 100 fully grown men, and, depending on the nature of the bite, it has the potential to kill someone in as little as 30 to 45 minutes.

However, where Vahrzaw differs from Oxyuranus microlepidotus is that even though the Traralgon trio prefer to inhabit desolate areas away from human populations, were a mystery to society at large until recently, can kill humans in less than 36 minutes, are extremely fast, agile, and strike multiple times in a single attack, the Inland Taipan literally couldn’t be fucked doing any actual killing. This lazy bastard has recorded zero deaths during Vahrzaw’s entire 20+ year career. When asked, the Australian Bureau of Statistics couldn’t even put a figure on how many lives Vahrzaw’s black death has ended.

Verdict: Weak as piss.

Atrax robustus – Sydney Funnel-Web Spider 

The Facts:

• The Sydney funnel-web is medium to large in size, with body length ranging from 1 to 5 cm (0.4 to 2 in). The average leg length for the spider in general is six to seven centimeters.
• Typically builds silk-lined tubular burrow retreats with collapsed “tunnels” or open “funnel” entrances from which irregular trip-lines radiate over the ground.
• Venom contains a compound known as atracotoxin, an ion channel inhibitor, which makes the venom highly toxic for humans and other primates. However, it does not affect the nervous system of other mammals.
• Typically deliver a full envenomation when they bite, often striking repeatedly, due to their defensiveness and large chitinous cheliceral fangs.
• Time to onset of symptoms is less than one hour, with a study about funnel-web spider bites finding a median time of 28 minutes.
• In some cases the spider will remain attached until dislodged by shaking or flicking it off.

This one isn’t even really a contest, <10cm? The fucking Vahrzaw CD you can buy from Blood Harvest Records is bigger than this little pissant webby-boy. Sure, that venom sounds pretty bad-arse and all, but it does nothing to other mammals? Pfft. I played Husk to the neighbour’s cat, and he continuously chundered bile for upwards of 3 hours. So you’re saying you can just flick this little arachnid prick off whenever you like? Whatever. The only thing that’s going to remove the riffs in Kneel Kiss Kill from your body is a surgical flensing.

Verdict: Not here to fuck spiders.

Irukandji Box Jellyfish

The Facts: 

• There are about 16 known species of Irukandji.
• With an adult size of roughly a cubic centimetre (1 cm3), they are both the smallest and one of the most venomous jellyfish in the world.
• They are able to fire their stingers into their victim, causing symptoms collectively known as Irukandji syndrome.
• The southern extent of the Irukandji’s range on Australia’s eastern coast has been gradually moving south, and this has been attributed to climate change.
• The Irukandji’s small size and transparent body make it very difficult to see in the water.
• Unlike most jellyfish, which have stingers only on their tentacles, the Irukandji also has stingers on its bell. Biologists have yet to discover the purpose of this unique characteristic.
• It is capable of delivering a sting 100 times as potent as that of a cobra and 1,000 times stronger than a tarantula.
• Irukandji jellyfish’s stings are so severe they can cause fatal brain haemorrhages and on average send 50-100 people to the hospital annually.
• Irukandji syndrome is produced by a small amount of venom and induces excruciating muscle cramps in the arms and legs, severe pain in the back and kidneys, a burning sensation of the skin and face, headaches, nausea, restlessness, sweating, vomiting, an increase in heart rate and blood pressure, and psychological phenomena such as the feeling of impending doom.

Ok, I’m willing to overlook the laughable size of these little soft-bodied wankers, and the whole being able to fire the stingy bits is pretty mad, but c’mon…Vahrzaw didn’t need the helping hand of rampant anthropogenic climate change to establish a foothold in the colder Southern states. Victoria has pretty shithouse weather most of the year, and I don’t hear them complaining. I’ll pay the impending doom and increased blood pressure part, but how many Thursday night gigs at Wangaratta RSL Club have all 16 species of Irukanji combined played? My bet is zero.

Verdict: Jelly, a baby’s dessert.

Killed by three sub-Vahrzaw-sized hunters.

Crocodylus porosus – (Saltwater crocodile)

The Facts:

• The largest of all living reptiles, as well as the largest riparian predator in the world.
• Males of this species can reach sizes up to 6.30 m (20.7 ft) and possibly up to 7.0 m (23.0 ft) in length.
• The saltwater crocodile is a large and opportunistic hypercarnivorous apex predator.
• Most prey are ambushed and then drowned or swallowed whole. It is capable of prevailing over almost any animal that enters its territory, including other apex predators such as sharks, varieties of freshwater and marine fish including pelagic species, invertebrates such as crustaceans, various reptiles, birds and mammals, including humans.
• Due to their size, aggression and distribution, saltwater crocodiles are regarded as the most dangerous extant crocodilian to humans.
• Can swim at 15 to 18 mph (24 to 29 km/h) in short bursts, around three times as fast as the fastest human swimmers.
• Saltwater crocodiles are capable of learning difficult tasks with very little conditioning, learning to track the migratory route of their prey as the seasons change, and may possess a deeper communication ability than currently accepted.
• Saltwater crocodiles have the strongest bite of any animal today and a large saltwater crocodile can crush a full-grown bovid’s skull between its jaws. A 4.59 m (15.1 ft)-long saltwater crocodile has been confirmed as having the highest bite force ever recorded for an animal in a laboratory setting, with a bite force value of 16,414 N (1,673.8 kgf) (surpassing the previous record of 9,452 N (963.8 kgf) made by a 3.72 m (12.2 ft)-long American alligator (Alligator mississippinesis)).

So they have a strong bite and can swim fast? Cool, how many beats per minute can they blast again? Pretty fucking convenient that figure wasn’t mentioned in their species description. That’s probably something we’d know if they actually were capable of learning these “difficult tasks”. Vahrzaw’s shredding ability is evidenced a multitude of times throughout Husk. Frequent tempo changes? No dramas. All the times I’ve heard crocs mentioned on news bulletins throughout my life and not a single report of tremolo riffs? Suss af.

Verdict: Croc of shit.

This man fucks coal.

Coal 

• Coal is mined in every state of in Australia.
• In 2015, Australia was the biggest net exporter of coal, with 33% of global exports.
• Coal provides fuel for about 69% of electricity production in Australia.
• Australian coal is either high-quality bituminous coal (black coal) or lower-quality lignite (brown coal).
• Australian coal-fired power stations are allowed to produce levels of toxic air pollution that would be illegal in the US, Europe and China, and may exceed even the lax limits imposed on them with few or no consequences. Some coal-fired power plants in New South Wales were allowed to emit 666 times what would be allowed in the US.
• Australian coal-plants emit mercury at double the global average.
• Coal directly and indirectly causes countless deaths.
• Coal is a rock.

Shit. Ok, well Australian coal is probably trying to kill you. Vahrzaw also emit suffocating black clouds of concentrated carcinogens, are laden with unbridled power and ready to be dug…but I don’t know if they can compete with those massive numbers. Wait, what’s that last point? HAH!

Verdict: Rock ≠ Metal.

Pre-order Husk on CD directly from Blood Harvest Records, or via their Bandcamp page for its April 23rd release.

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